All the Single Ladies

Sometimes I struggle with being single. As you probably already know. Since when I do, I write about it here. Some people make fun of me for doing that. I can see where those people are coming from, but- don't care! So, I've reached a place where I think being single is fine and cool. I really like the place I'm at actually. I feel like I've arrived at some kind of really great milestone where I love, respect, and care about myself in a way I don't think I ever have before. But SOMETIMES.. singledom still sucks. Tonight I went to my cousin's wedding. I looked stupid. You know, one of those days where you hate everything- dumb hair, stupid make up, idiot outfit, etc. I didn't feel like drinking. Different things happened that made me feel like Bridget Jones. I was sitting at a table of all couples and my sis came around with her camera and said, "Okay can I get a picture of Kent and Susie?". Then, "Matt and Tiffany?". Next, "Mom and dad?". And, finally, inevitably- "Uh....Julie?" I growled internally at my beloved sister and outwardly declined to take a ridiculous picture by myself and my mom quickly offered to take one with me. Not a big deal right? Then the wedding party came out and the song that played was an obscure one that I associated with an ex. Blech. Next, my grandparent's wedding song played and all the couples in the family sped out to the dance floor. The feeling of love and romance was palpable as I remained glued to my seat. Later, the DJ announces it's time for Couple's Dance. Everyone went to the dance floor to dance to songs that I really like, but don't have anyone to dance with. And then it's time for all the single ladies to get out on the floor and catch the bouquet. Everyone at the table excitedly poked and prodded me, "Get out there!". My dad poked me on the arm to my right. My sis-in-law poked at my leg to my left. "You're single!!", people cried excitedly, like this awesome concept just dawned on them and hadn't been smashed cruelly in my face the entire evening. I sludged up to the dance floor with the very few other girls. Girls who were, by the way, GIRLS. Young ladies. Not in my age bracket. So, I left there feeling kind of like: Damn. You know what I mean? It's no one's fault and the wedding was lovely and I enjoyed seeing everyone that I love. I'm as happy as a clam for my beautiful cousin. Gorgeous, she was gorgeous- oh my God. Her dress was sooooo, so, so pretty. I wish my attitude hadn't been so lame and next wedding (since there are 4,000 this month alone) I'll be better prepared. To drink. Heavily. Just kidding....kind of.

I Said No

After my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I would have nightmares. There was a giant black disgusting slimy anaconda that slithered after me and no matter where I hid (I'd climb into air ducts and things to hide), it would find me and attack. I'd wake up sweating and crying and afraid. This was the illustration my subconscious came up with concerning my "off again/on again" relationship that lasted 10+ years. There aren't words to explain the pain I went through, so I'm not going to bother. You've maybe felt it before. There are lots of songs and books and movies written about this type of pain. Aside from the hurt, the colossal tragedy is how my self worth was affected...It was not good. It was not pretty! I wasn't even ME anymore. Not a hundred percent. Let's cut to the chase, I'll tell you what happened. SUNDAY - I was badgering this guy I had the hots for, saying things like "WTF Do you like me and want to romance me or not!??", like the demure and sophisticated lady that I am. I liked him and I couldn't really tell if the feeling was mutual and I felt like let's get this party started and his hesitation and indecision- well, ain't nobody got time for that! His answer was no. That hurt and because I didn't feel that great about myself, it probably hurt more than it should have. I cried. I hated myself more. MONDAY - I come home from a day at work, feeling really shitty about myself and pulled into my driveway as my ex boyfriend is pulling up too. I hadn't seen or heard from him since we broke up near the end of May last year. My first thought was, "NO. No, no, no, no". And then I thought yes, of course, obviously this was going to happen. It's happened so many times before that I was expecting it and had already prepared mentally how to deal with it when it happened. He asked if we could talk and I said okay. I had a bit of trouble unlocking the door to my house because my hands were shaking so much. The things that happened next are blurry because I was in shock. He apologized for what happened in the past. I made the decision to forgive him and instantly felt a good peaceful feeling about that because it was closure. He asked me how my life had been and that opened a flood gate because it's been quite a year and I said, "horrible" and started crying. When I looked up from crying he had an engagement ring. Now, listen, this is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life. I thought things like "Oh he MEANS it this this time! This time's for real!". I couldn't say yes and he told me to think about it as long as I needed. He said we could get married tomorrow or be engaged 5 years, whatever I wanted. My happy ending?! Tuesday I spent the entire day crying and being confused and being in shock. I was comforted by my friends and family. Pretty much everyone told me they would love and support me no matter what I decided and that only I could decide this. I thought to myself how incredible the people I choose to keep around me are. They always build me up. They always love me. They always make me happy. Over the years, in good times or in bad, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health- I can depend on these people. It became clear to me that this is what I deserve from the man I marry as well. They say love is unconditional, but, not if it's at the expense of my self worth. I drew a line in the sand! That's my one condition (one-conditional love?). Making the right decision made me feel confident and strong. I'm starting to love myself again. This revival of my lost self-love feels to me like I'm getting my happy ending after all.

SheMan Male Haters Club

Every time something is floatin' around in my head I like to write about it. So, here we go. I was thinking about how when I was in my twenties, I never wanted to settle down with someone and I thought I never would. I think that's so weird compared to where I am at now. The reason why I was like that, I think, is because every time I was in a relationship, it ended pretty badly and in a blind-sided kind of way. Love used to be a pure, simple, happy thing and then it wasn't anymore. I was tired of relationships and the bad outweighed the good in my opinion. I decided to be a free spirit and at the same time formulated a damaging theory in my mind. This theory was that all men were cheaters. That love wasn't a real thing anymore. So, I spent a decade or so steering away from relationships like it was the damn plague and treating the men that came into my life like the scumbags I assumed they all were. When you treat someone like a scumbag, a lot of times that is how they will behave. In time, maybe that is how they will come to believe they are. I don't want to be a SheMan Male Hater. I want to treat all people with kindness, love, encouragement, and respect. Something changed in me and I think that's a good thing. I matured! Finally! I try to treat people delicately. Do I think all men are out to get me and destroy my life? Neh. I think you get out of relationships (all relationships- family, friends, etc) what you put into it. If you put in love and patience, that's what you get back. If you don't get that back, well then.. it's time to move along, lil' doggie. I guess to some extent if you expect a relationship to fail, it will. But there are also warning signs that I used to downplay and instead only focus on the good. (Example: Sometimes he doesn't respond to texts.. but he fixed the plumbing! That means he MUST love me. Bull-fucking-shit. If he's not answering texts, something is wrong that shouldn't be ignored. Period.) It took me awhile, but, I learned how to spot things I don't want- communicate to the person what I don't want- and if it doesn't change move the hell on and not look back. I've learned not to put up with nonsense that I shouldn't put up with. When your gut tells you something is wrong, you should always listen to it. Your gut knows. These days my gut screams at me "NO! WRONG! BAD! RUN FOR THE HILLS!". It all seems kind of simple now. Does that mean I'll continue to be alone for a long time? Probs. That doesn't bother me though because I'm looking for a quality human being who is right for me. Someone to make me believe that the good can outweigh the bad and I will always believe that it can.

Bandit

The first time I met Brandi was years ago at a meeting at work. Once you meet Brandi, you don't forget her. She left the meeting and I thought, "Well. She was delightful." She is high-energy and very happy and says things that are from the left field and she has crippling self doubt. Regardless of what topic the conversation is about, she will slip in a sincere fret involving her appearance/wardrobe/hair/life decisions/etc. She scopes out the positive in everyone else though. Last night I met her for a couple drinks (I had the most interesting drink, it was draft apple beer and the bartender talked me into putting Fireball in it and it tasted like cinnamon-y applesauce. My brain thought the drink was good for my sore throat although surely that is not the case. But, nonetheless- delicious.) Anyway, I met Brandi and some folks and I went to the bar to order the applesauce drink and Brandi saddled up next to me and announced to the bartender, "This is my best friend!" Later on she told me when I walked in and she saw me she felt so proud that I was her friend. Let me ask you a personal question. Do your friends talk to you like that? They should. So, Brandi is all these things- funny, kind, sweet, crippling self doubt- and the end result is this human being who is completely endearing. I want very much to be to Brandi (and all my friends) the loving person that she is. I'm so thankful I met this delightful girl.

Hoppy New Year, Young Grasshopper

So it's 2014 freaking FINALLY. Here's my goal for this year: Have as much fun as humanly possible (like lots & lots of fun) while also positively balancing my health, fam, & financial responsibilities. This year I want to not be too hard on myself, repel negativity, and I want to go with the flow. I talked to my bro the other day about this and that and he started chirping to me about how maybe I should take a good long look at what I spend my money on and evaluate my priorities. In other words, stop painting the town red and get my pipes fixed and stuff like that around the house instead. It's like the story of the grasshopper and the ant. You know the story, where the ant was preparing for winter or something and the grasshopper was... not doing that. I just googled it and instead of preparing for winter the grasshopper was singing. Awww, singing! Bless that little grasshopper's heart. And then winter comes and the grasshopper is like "Hey ant, can I get some food?" and the ant is like "No! Die!". So the moral is supposed to be that you should be aware of the perils of idleness. OR YOU WILL DIE. Let's all just calm down a bit. I did appreciate that eye-opening honest feedback from my brother. I did not feel judged by him (like that terrible, judgey, murderous ant). It was something I needed to hear because I suppose sometimes I can get carried away. I plan to check that behavior so I am better able to accomplish some of the goals I have for this year. With that said, I want my loved ones to understand that I am working very hard and doing the best that I possibly can. I have to say, that while I am not idle- I am always going to want to sing and have fun like the grasshopper. I don't want to be looked down on for that and I would love that to be accepted because that is who I am.

Pammy

On my cell phone I still have a text conversation from 9/7 between me and my friend, Pam. Pam passed away on 9/7. The conversation is stupid. I asked her if she would work for me so I could go to Mike and Alex's wedding and she said "Yeah that's fine I will" & I said "WHAT!!;OMG OMG! THANK YOU!!!" I look at that dumb conversation quite a lot. I used to clear out my text convo's frequently and now I regret that because we had other conversations that were not boring and I would have liked to still have them. Gosh, I loved her. We worked at the same place in different departments since 2001 when I started. We were not pals originally. In fact, my first correspondence with her was in email and she got offended by my email because I said the request was urgent (well, it WAS..). After that, if I would pass her in the hallway I would have a big ol' cheese-smile on my face, like I do for everyone, and she would frown at me. Actual eye-rolling happened sometimes. That was like 12 years ago. After we became buds, I would ask her about it and she had no recollection of feeling any ill will toward me at all. About 4 or 5 years ago, a new department was developed at our work and they hired 3 people for it. I was a bit nervous when I heard Pam and I both got the job because I thought, "Crap. I'm pretty sure that woman hates me." Having a group of three people is a very intimate thing. You can't help but become close. And the three of us did. Sometimes in life you meet these special people that you connect with on a deep level and very quickly. And you think, "Why didn't we pal up sooner!". Pam was everything I love in a person. She was so funny. So sosoososo funny. Our sense of humor was the same and that is a rare jem treat I think. Over the years, any time I had an issue or guy problem or bad day or whatever, I would jet over to her desk to talk to her about it. She was like the human form of a hug. She was altruistic too. I felt like there wasn't anything she wouldn't have done for me or for anyone else she cared about. She was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to about whatever. She worked hard on being positive and she was so cute because she said she wanted to be positive like me. That's another thing- her genuine compliments will make your eyes water up. I loved her you guys. I know I already said that, but, I'm saying it again. I still sometimes kind of struggle with the fact that this is reality and she is no longer with us. But, in the spirit of being positive like her- I did learn a lot from this. I tell my friends/fam often that I love them and appreciate them and the reasons why I love/appreciate them. I respect life and the frailty of it. I think everyone deserves to have someone in their life that treats them the way Pam treated me and made me feel. My hope is that I can be like that towards the people in my life going forward.

Heart Problems (Not Like That)

Not about my stupid health issue- I'm going to talk about dating some more and here I go. So, most of my life I dated the same person. Because of this, we know..knew..each other well. Eh, a lot of the time I felt like he knew and understood me better than I knew and understood myself. That relationship ended permanently in May; 6 months ago. When you are hurt by someone you loved, that pain never goes away. It lessens.. and that is such a relief. I think I'll always flinch a little bit at the memory though. So anyway, the past 6 months I've been dating up a storm. I started into it actually so excited. I always felt like I'm a really good communicator about feelings and stuff and I've never met a stranger and my heart is posted right up here on my sleeve in broad view for all the world to see and I imagined once released into the dating world I would be able to date the hell out of anyone. At the very least, if I didn't find True Love I would have Fun Times and make new friends. But, that's not what I have experienced at all. I don't know how to date. I don't. The first person who caught my interest, swiftly rejected me. When I say rejected, I mean they didn't contact me. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, etc. I tried to initiate contact for a bit and then stopped because I thought- this is not how it feels when a guy likes you. I stopped pursuing and he disappeared. That's fine, I thought. Not everyone is going to find me an endearing human being that brings them constant joy and eyeball-hearts. And that's a fact, Jack. That exact scenerio has played out like fifteen different times, though. Undeterred and miraculously still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I put my Big Girl Dating Pants on and tried again. I went on lots of dates with a guy who was perfection on paper, but, dating is about getting to know someone and after I got to know him, I just wasn't feeling "it" and I broke that terrible news as gently as I possibly could. Breaking news like that, I think, feels worse than being on the receiving end of rejection (rejection is basically my comfort zone at this point). The instant one person goes away, another almost instantly pops up in their place. And the same thing happens. It's like a pattern of hope/rejection/pain, hope/rejection/pain being played on a loop. Does that sound like fun to you? Because I am here to tell you, it isn't. It is almost exactly 6 months to the day that I wrote the break up post and I like anniversaries and things like that so in honor of that post- I quit. I went all in at first and now I know when to fold 'em. I'm going on a dating holding pattern for awhile and I'm certainly never going to go out of my way to pursue anyone ever again as long as I live. I've already found my Soulmate Friends and that is lovely enough and I feel very lucky for that. So, don't mind me whilst I pull off the heart display from my sleeve and tuck it away somewhere dark, warm, and soft where it will be safe for the time being. I honestly don't know why it's taken me so long to do that in the first place.