The whole reason I started this blog was because my friend and I happened along my old diary and we read it and we were like, "this shit's good". Lots of drama and nary a boyfriend to be dated who didn't cheat on me.
What the fuck?
Last night, I went over to my boyfriend's wearing a dress I thought was cute and piled on some make up and curled my hair. I put on my favorite perfume. I was dressed to impress and was excited to veg out and order pizza and drink a couple beers and watch tv.
He went to work this morning and I walked downstairs and saw this on the pop machine in his house:
I must've stared at that pop machine button for 15 minutes. And then I could see all of my delusions of being in a good happy stable relationship float away. It was like when you have a near death experience and your life flashes before your eyes. I saw us laughing- lies, I saw him helping me around the house cleaning gutters- lies, our future happy wedding that I imagined would happen one day-lies. Nope, nope, nope. I calmly put his key in his mailbox and toddled home in my car in shock. I vaguely asked him about it and he said Beth must've wrote that on there back in July when she was begging him to take her back. And I said, I took a picture of that pop machine a few weeks ago and it wasn't there. Liar. And then he said, "Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie".
I don't know what he said but that's what it sounded like to me. It reminded me of the 800 other times I've had that lies lies lies conversation with a boyfriend when you think inside your head, "are you fucking stupid? Do you think I'm stupid?" and then the more they talk, the more it is confirmed that the answer to both those questions is yes.
After being in shock and wandering around my house like "huh?" for a while, I literally sat in the corner of my bedroom and cried for hours. I felt like I didn't have any bones and I was in a lump like a jellyfish.
But now I feel more like oh girl, at least you know. At least you didn't marry something like that. And at least now- you do have a chance at the real thing with a good person.
Or I can get 5 or 6 more cats and commit to being That Woman. Either option is better.
It also made me feel closer to all the really good people in my life and thankful for them. If diamonds were easy to find, they wouldn't be worth so much, y'know? (*note this is one of those lines that I will read back later and be like omg you dork. you embarassing dork. there were a lot of those in my old diary.)
I'm not blogging this to be craycray, I 'm blogging it so I don't have to keep explaining the same thing over and over again. Now I can just send everyone here. Here, read this shit.