Monday, November 25, 2013

Heart Problems (Not Like That)

Not about my stupid health issue- I'm going to talk about dating some more and here I go. So, most of my life I dated the same person. Because of this, we know..knew..each other well. Eh, a lot of the time I felt like he knew and understood me better than I knew and understood myself. That relationship ended permanently in May; 6 months ago. When you are hurt by someone you loved, that pain never goes away. It lessens.. and that is such a relief. I think I'll always flinch a little bit at the memory though. So anyway, the past 6 months I've been dating up a storm. I started into it actually so excited. I always felt like I'm a really good communicator about feelings and stuff and I've never met a stranger and my heart is posted right up here on my sleeve in broad view for all the world to see and I imagined once released into the dating world I would be able to date the hell out of anyone. At the very least, if I didn't find True Love I would have Fun Times and make new friends. But, that's not what I have experienced at all. I don't know how to date. I don't. The first person who caught my interest, swiftly rejected me. When I say rejected, I mean they didn't contact me. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, etc. I tried to initiate contact for a bit and then stopped because I thought- this is not how it feels when a guy likes you. I stopped pursuing and he disappeared. That's fine, I thought. Not everyone is going to find me an endearing human being that brings them constant joy and eyeball-hearts. And that's a fact, Jack. That exact scenerio has played out like fifteen different times, though. Undeterred and miraculously still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I put my Big Girl Dating Pants on and tried again. I went on lots of dates with a guy who was perfection on paper, but, dating is about getting to know someone and after I got to know him, I just wasn't feeling "it" and I broke that terrible news as gently as I possibly could. Breaking news like that, I think, feels worse than being on the receiving end of rejection (rejection is basically my comfort zone at this point). The instant one person goes away, another almost instantly pops up in their place. And the same thing happens. It's like a pattern of hope/rejection/pain, hope/rejection/pain being played on a loop. Does that sound like fun to you? Because I am here to tell you, it isn't. It is almost exactly 6 months to the day that I wrote the break up post and I like anniversaries and things like that so in honor of that post- I quit. I went all in at first and now I know when to fold 'em. I'm going on a dating holding pattern for awhile and I'm certainly never going to go out of my way to pursue anyone ever again as long as I live. I've already found my Soulmate Friends and that is lovely enough and I feel very lucky for that. So, don't mind me whilst I pull off the heart display from my sleeve and tuck it away somewhere dark, warm, and soft where it will be safe for the time being. I honestly don't know why it's taken me so long to do that in the first place.

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