Sunday, March 30, 2014

I Said No

After my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I would have nightmares. There was a giant black disgusting slimy anaconda that slithered after me and no matter where I hid (I'd climb into air ducts and things to hide), it would find me and attack. I'd wake up sweating and crying and afraid. This was the illustration my subconscious came up with concerning my "off again/on again" relationship that lasted 10+ years. There aren't words to explain the pain I went through, so I'm not going to bother. You've maybe felt it before. There are lots of songs and books and movies written about this type of pain. Aside from the hurt, the colossal tragedy is how my self worth was affected...It was not good. It was not pretty! I wasn't even ME anymore. Not a hundred percent. Let's cut to the chase, I'll tell you what happened. SUNDAY - I was badgering this guy I had the hots for, saying things like "WTF Do you like me and want to romance me or not!??", like the demure and sophisticated lady that I am. I liked him and I couldn't really tell if the feeling was mutual and I felt like let's get this party started and his hesitation and indecision- well, ain't nobody got time for that! His answer was no. That hurt and because I didn't feel that great about myself, it probably hurt more than it should have. I cried. I hated myself more. MONDAY - I come home from a day at work, feeling really shitty about myself and pulled into my driveway as my ex boyfriend is pulling up too. I hadn't seen or heard from him since we broke up near the end of May last year. My first thought was, "NO. No, no, no, no". And then I thought yes, of course, obviously this was going to happen. It's happened so many times before that I was expecting it and had already prepared mentally how to deal with it when it happened. He asked if we could talk and I said okay. I had a bit of trouble unlocking the door to my house because my hands were shaking so much. The things that happened next are blurry because I was in shock. He apologized for what happened in the past. I made the decision to forgive him and instantly felt a good peaceful feeling about that because it was closure. He asked me how my life had been and that opened a flood gate because it's been quite a year and I said, "horrible" and started crying. When I looked up from crying he had an engagement ring. Now, listen, this is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life. I thought things like "Oh he MEANS it this this time! This time's for real!". I couldn't say yes and he told me to think about it as long as I needed. He said we could get married tomorrow or be engaged 5 years, whatever I wanted. My happy ending?! Tuesday I spent the entire day crying and being confused and being in shock. I was comforted by my friends and family. Pretty much everyone told me they would love and support me no matter what I decided and that only I could decide this. I thought to myself how incredible the people I choose to keep around me are. They always build me up. They always love me. They always make me happy. Over the years, in good times or in bad, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health- I can depend on these people. It became clear to me that this is what I deserve from the man I marry as well. They say love is unconditional, but, not if it's at the expense of my self worth. I drew a line in the sand! That's my one condition (one-conditional love?). Making the right decision made me feel confident and strong. I'm starting to love myself again. This revival of my lost self-love feels to me like I'm getting my happy ending after all.

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