Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Feelings

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about my past dating experiences.
I suck at it!  And I don't know why.  Every single person I've ever been in a relationship long term has cheated on me  (Except Cory.  Thanks Cory!).  Eight different loving, committed relationships.  Eight different times I thought I was truly loved and adored and I did things like read  "He's Just Not That Into You" on a plane and shake my head and chuckle to myself because obviously my boyfriend was faithfully devoted and showed zero of these god-awful warning signs.  And when I got off the plane I found out - Stage Five Cheater.
One even wrote me a long, long, long letter about why it happened which basically boiled down to low self-esteem on his part.
But surely there has to be something wrong with me to keep dating guys with this very specific character defect over and over and over and over and over again.  Surely?  I mean, this doesn't happen to anyone else I know.
My friend T-Rex had the brilliant idea to google "why do I always date cheaters".  The first article flat out told me I was no good in bed.  That was rude, Google.  The article wanted me to buy something to teach me how to be good in bed. 
I'm not going to worry too much about that one.
Next we have:
Low self esteem - meh, sometimes but....not like dibilitating. 
Poor judgement of character - No, I mean I am only friends with awesome people.
Denial - Maybe?  What do you want me to do, snatch the phone out of the poor guy's hand and demand to know who he is texting and where he is at all times?  That's no way to live, dammit.

And that's pretty much all I could find.  I just don't want to do it again...ever.  And I can't figure out how to make it stop.

I'm not depressed, I'm not wallowing in sorrow.  I am seriously very much okay.  I'm just trying to think logically about this.
I think I'm going to just try my best to be a better, nicer, sweeter, more thoughtful human being and just kind of go from there. 

I know my friends are going to hate this post.  Friends! Calm down, darling treasured friends.  I'm only going to talk like this for a little while and then I'll be back to my normal ball of joy self who gets overly excited about mundane things like a sunny day.


Friday, May 24, 2013

Joe Loves Beth FOREVER!

The whole reason I started this blog was because my friend and I happened along my old diary and we read it and we were like, "this shit's good".  Lots of drama and nary a boyfriend to be dated who didn't cheat on me. 
What the fuck?
Last night, I went over to my boyfriend's wearing a dress I thought was cute and piled on some make up and curled my hair.  I put on my favorite perfume.  I was dressed to impress and was excited to veg out and order pizza and drink a couple beers and watch tv.
He went to work this morning and I walked downstairs and saw this on the pop machine in his house:


I must've stared at that pop machine button for 15 minutes.  And then I could see all of my delusions of being in a good happy stable relationship float away.  It was like when you have a near death experience and your life flashes before your eyes.  I saw us laughing- lies, I saw him helping me around the house cleaning gutters- lies, our future happy wedding that I imagined would happen one day-lies.  Nope, nope, nope.  I calmly put his key in his mailbox and toddled home in my car in shock.  I vaguely asked him about it and he said Beth must've wrote that on there back in July when she was begging him to take her back.  And I said, I took a picture of that pop machine a few weeks ago and it wasn't there.  Liar.  And then he said, "Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie".
I don't know what he said but that's what it sounded like to me. It reminded me of the 800 other times I've had that lies lies lies conversation with a boyfriend when you think inside your head, "are you fucking stupid?  Do you think I'm stupid?"  and then the more they talk, the more it is confirmed that the answer to both those questions is yes.
After being in shock and wandering around my house like "huh?" for a while, I literally sat in the corner of my bedroom and cried for hours.  I felt like I didn't have any bones and I was in a lump like a jellyfish. 
But now I feel more like oh girl, at least you know.  At least you didn't marry something like that.  And at least now- you do have a chance at the real thing with a good person. 
Or I can get 5 or 6 more cats and commit to being That Woman.  Either option is better.
It also made me feel closer to all the really good people in my life and thankful for them.  If diamonds were easy to find, they wouldn't be worth so much, y'know? (*note this is one of those lines that I will read back later and be like omg you dork.  you embarassing dork. there were a lot of those in my old diary.)
I'm not blogging this to be craycray, I 'm blogging it so I don't have to keep explaining the same thing over and over again.  Now I can just send everyone here.  Here, read this shit. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Mother's Day

yeah Mother's Day!  Tomorrow the fam is going to Granny Max's nursing home and eating some KFC on the patio there.  I'm excited to see everyone and be off work and stuffs.
She's a smart cookie, that mother of mine. She is strong willed.  She is excellent with her words and speaks with intelligence.  She took psychology in college and I think has a good grasp on summarizing why people think and do the things they do.  She can interpret for you a dream you have in such a way your jaw with drop to the ground with a thud.
I was lucky to grow up with a female role model in my life that was very much about having self respect.
She was also big on us kids treating others with respect.
I've seen the question posed on Facebook and interviews the past couple of days, "What is the best piece of advice your mother has given you?"
Gosh, I have lots.
Here are my two favorite relationship advice:

1.) You don't really know a person until you've spent all 4 seasons with them.
That is so true! You don't.  I, myself, am a completely different human being in the season known as winter.  In fact, I turn from human being into a hibernating angry bear during these dreaded months.  It also helps to keep this advice in mind because there is a honeymoon phase in relationships and when that wears away, are you still enamored with the person you have come to know? 

2.)  Who do you love more, yourself or him?
People might tell you that True Love means taking a bullet for someone and things like that and I do feel altruistic toward my loved ones. What this means, though, is that the bottom line is- if the relationship is making you unhappy, it's time to go.  Sad but true. 

See what I mean?  Smart mama.
Have a happy Mother's Day y'all!