Bitch Confessions

I woke up one day recently and I was transformed into a complete and total b-word! I think maybe I'm just really stressed with work and working 2 jobs and things like that. Something's got to give because I don't like feeling this way. I am usually nice, easy-going, laid back, etc. Happy-go-lucky even! Those are adjectives that could not be used to accurately describe my current personality. I'm going to tell you everything, Dear Diary. I'm holding nothing back. A wise man (named Usher) once said, "These are my confessions". Here are mine. Enjoy! Earlier today, I was at Target and took some clothes to the fitting room. The attendant made a fuss about how I had more than 6 items. Which, is totally fine..I get the rule and it's usually not a big deal but she was being rude about it. I took just 6 items and put the rest on a bench and she said, "I don't think so, let me count them.". She counted the items thoroughly and released me off to the fitting rooms. I came back out after trying on the 6 items to sub them out with the clothes on the bench and was again accosted. She yelled, "Let me count them!", as though I had plans to sneak by her. I handed her the pile and she picked a hanger up from the counter and said, "Where did THIS come from?". I told her, "I don't know, it's not mine. I took in 6 and took out 6 and can I go in now?". As I was changing, I listened to her talk to other customers and she wasn't mean to them. I became heated up about the way she was treating me and decided to just leave without trying on the other 2 shirts on the bench. So I walked out and after I was almost out of the area, she yelled- "Are those your clothes on the bench??". I wound up telling her, "Yes, and you can walk your happy ass around the counter and pick them up.", while motioning with my finger the path around she could take. Then I ran into some friends from work and told them the story, totally shocked at myself. After chatting with them, a different girl almost ran me down and I said loudly, "Watch it girl! You about ran me down, what's wrong with you?". After my Target trip, I had to go to work. I backed out of my driveway and a teeny, yellow Smart Car came barreling down the street and up to my car making it so I was stuck unless I pulled back into my driveway. Now, this exact scenario plays out (different cars) 75% of the time I pull out of my driveway. I threw my hands up in the air and glared at the driver, who backed up immediately. Then, as I drove past him, I glared at him some more and his face looked stupid and afraid. Just minutes ago, I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a picture of a fellow with a rat tail and became totally irritated. Out loud I said, "What an asshole." and shook my head deciding this person that I didn't know was awful. I have been in a days-long battle with The Children's Place because they sold me a Canadian gift card that can not be used in the U.S. and they will not refund it. The last letter I wrote them is the meanest thing I've ever written, I think. Earlier this week, my darling boyfriend was telling me about something he was reading as I was getting ready to leave for work and I snapped, "This isn't chat time!" and swept out of the room. The other morning, my dearest coworker/friend greeted me by asking what I did last night and I barked, "I'm busy! I'm too busy to talk". I feel awful. I'm sorry to the general public. I'll be nicer, I promise. I'm just going to go listen to some meditation music or google cat meme's. P.S. Don't ever ever EVER text respond to someone the word "Oh.". Don't do that. P.P.S. The Target lady totally deserved it, right?!

Updating About Dating

I went through a phase for a while there where I seemed to be drawn like a moth to the flame to dudes who were not a good fit for me. It was the silliest thing and now I look back like "Oh my god" and roll my eyes and try to repress the memories deep down in the foggiest, darkest, tiniest corner of my mind. Eventually I realized that my self-esteem had taken a beating and I was seeking out people that were not serious about me and trying to change their minds about that with the subconscious idea that if I was able to make them feel differently about me, it would heal my bruised ego and my self-worth would be restored to it's natural state of Hell-Yeah-I'm-Awesome, which I preferred. Anyway, once it occurred to me that I was doing this sort of self-harming kind of thing it was easy to stop doing it. I just stopped. It is true that people are only as terrible to you as you allow them to be. I knew I was making mistakes, even as I was making them. But, I got through it by writing about it and having supportive and loving friends and family. I kept dating and dated often. But, I made healthier decisions. The guy who I met and had drinks and okay conversation with and never heard from again- I didn't reach out to him and his lack of follow up didn't effect me more than a passing thought of "Hmm. That's weird. Did this fool not understand how badass I am?". The guy who lied about his phone being run over by a car and admitted later that he had really just deleted my number because he felt like he was "too into me too soon" (?!) was not given the benefit of the doubt or another chance. If he lied about that, what wouldn't he lie about? I didn't stick around to find out. The guy who I found out through a mutual friend had been engaged 4 times in 4 years who talked a little about how he deserved an opportunity to show me he was different now didn't get to a first date (In the past I would have been like WELLLLL...life is COMPLICATED and everyone has a story and walk a mile in his shoes and I suppose he deserves a chance). I closed my mind more and made decisions like maybe a cruel loan officer would with a trigger-happy red rubber stamp. DENY DENY DENY! It has been two years since I've been in a committed relationship. One day I went on a date with Michael and that was that. Thank you to everyone that reads this silly diary for letting me talk about my feelings and work through things. It is ultimately nice that I went through what I did because I am thankful every day for what is happening now.

The Time I Posted my Nipple to the World Wide Web

Ok, so I bought a new phone and for the first time ever I can use all the apps everyone else has been using for years. My friend sent me this thing on SnapChat called “My Stories” and it was a bunch of pictures at once. Intrigued, I text him and asked, “How do you do that?”. He said, “When the camera is on do you see a little square on the left?”. Finished with my run, I hop off the treadmill and rip off my sports bra that is soaked with sweat, go to Snapchat and hit that square button and it doesn’t DO ANYTHING so it doesn’t SEEM like it’s taking a picture or anything so I just keep hitting the square button. It’s a front facing camera so I’m looking at an upshot of my face and I got annoyed with how unsightly this view was and I guess pointed the camera down (Remember, I just took off my sports bra) and I guess took a pic (but it doesn’t tell you it took a pic so I think nothing happened). A couple hours later, my friend texts me, “Wow THOSE are the pictures you chose for My Stories, which is on your cover for all of your friends to see over and over and over?” I responded, “?????????!!! What!” His reply was, “Nice face.” And then, “IS THIS A NIP?!” I didn’t know what My Stories was, but, apparently it sends to all your friends and DOES NOT DISAPPEAR like regular Snapchats until the next day or something. So he explains this to me and then says, “Man, I bet people are screenshotting this left and right!”. My friends on there had included people from work, my LITTLE BROTHER, a few vague acquaintances, etc. So then I tried to delete, but, it’s not possible. It’s not freaking possible! In my haste to get rid of them I accidentally started ADDING people. Omg. But then I just deleted my whole entire account and that’s the end and I feel like this story is one that is better in person bc I flap my arms around and get all worked up and stuff. In closing, I don’t think bodies are “bad” or “dirty” or something to be ashamed of at all. I tend to steer away from that unhealthy American way of thinking. A nip is a nip. But, I did get all worked up when that happened.. which is funny. Oh! Remind me next time to tell you the story of when I accidentally sliced off a bit of my nipple. It grows right back like a lizard's tail.

We are All Superstars and Heroes

I had an unusually bad week. My furnace broke, toilet broke, gas leak, tree growing out of the foundation, A BATHROOM GARBAGE CAN MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!, and finished it off with someone doing a hit-and-run on my luxury sedan Thanksgiving Day complete with a police officer so mean I wondered to myself if, unbeknownst to me, we had some kind of beef. Oy vey! Sometimes when things don't run smoothly, I think I have a more difficult time handling it than your average person. Maybe it has something to do with being the youngest child for 13 years. Maybe it has something to do with a lifetime of the attitude to let the guy handle it. I want to analyze the way I react to the situations I find challenging and modify it immediately. Because, as my wise older brother says- this is life and these are the things I'm going to have to deal with. These are the things that EVERYONE has to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I'm not capable enough to handle it all on my own and I think that is why I cry. I want to be, but, I am not. The truth is NOBODY can handle it all on their own. It is probably not a garbage can mouse for other people, but, everyone has their tough times that they fall on and when this happens everyone needs support and love and.. help. With that said, I think that has something to do with why I struggle so badly in dealing with "life stuff". I didn't know if I had support and that hits ya! It hits ya hard in the gut. I mean, of course, I have my friends/fam but I'm sick and tired of putting them out. I gotta ask them for help again.....gosh dang it why can't I just be self sufficient!! Sucks! But, then something really great happened. My friends Kelly and Gary offered to let me stay at their luxurious house until my heat got fixed. They are the sweetest sweet potatoes in the whole sweet potato casserole. My brother dealt with the horror in the bathroom trashcan and then helped my HVAC-certified pal fix the furnace and also fixed a plumbing leak that I didn't even ask them to fix or bring up at all. Then my pal refused to accept payment. He did let me give him a blueberry banana bread I made from scratch and behaved as though he was the one who made out in this deal. I cried again (in private!). This time not out of helplessness. I cried out of gratefulness and awe and how fundamentally good the people in my life are. I am lucky. I don't take that kind of thing for granted or lightly. People don't realize the nice things they do can make such a big impact on someone else. So ANYWAY..! Have you ever seen that movie, Gone with the Wind? (SPOILER ALERT) There's a part in it where Scarlett is riding with Rhett back to Tara through the war and fires and explosions and Rhett (I don't even like Rhett at all. I know I'm supposed to not like Scarlett but I don't like Rhett. Team Scarlett.) leaves her halfway through and when she makes it home, her mom is dead, the house is in shambles, her dad's lost his mind, her sisters are sick, and the fields are burned and they have no food (so not QUITE as harrowing as a bathroom trashcan mouse, but, close). So anyway she's in the field clutching at burned up turnips or some such thing and she says, "As God as my witness, I will never be hungry again!!" SO GOOD..WATCH: (God as my witness) My point is, I can't fix a furnace(I tried, I youtubed it and googled and tried and tried)... or fix really anything at all..but, what I am going to do is save up a million zillion dollars in an emergency fund so next time "life stuff" happens, I am ready. Last year my new year's resolution was to pay off all my debt- and I DID IT. This year I'm going to squirrel up enough money to bail me out of emergencies. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be reliant on somebody else again. (Financially. I'm still going to need hugs and stuff. xoxoxo)

Hang Man

I was just absolutely terrible at dating when I was fresh out of the gate. I had very little search criteria at first. I didn't know any red flags. It was basically- am I attracted to him? Sa-weet, let's hang. This laissez faire approach did not work out too well for me. If a guy ever asks you to "hang out" my suggestion is to decline, politely. (Unless you are not looking for a relationship in which case do whatever the f you want. I'm not your mom.) Anywaysies- Why does a grown adult man want to "hang out" with me? It's ludicrous if you think it through. A guy asked me to hang the other day and it happens so often and irks me so much that I may have snapped at the poor boy a bit because..I dunno..it's just so annoying. I said, "Are you asking me if I want to hang out with you as platonic friends?". He explained that he was just trying to start a conversation. I politely declined the weak, flimsy invitation. It's kind of insulting if you think about it. Asking to hang says to me that this person is thinking, "Hmmm I'm really not that sure about you or excited about you and I want to put as little effort into this as possible and I don't think you're deserving of an actual date where my intention is crystal clear that I am romantically interested in you. Fingers crossed you sleep with me though." Am I right or am I right? Is there another side to it that I am missing? Am I being bitchy? I can't help it, that's how I feel. I've always had trouble putting into words why that bothers me so much. So, I am happy I was able to now. Admittedly, I am a 35 year old woman and perhaps someone younger would be completely cool with the dreaded hang out. But, it seems like the acceptance could stem from naivety. If I could go back in time and tell a young Skippy not to waste even one second with someone who didn't treat her decent - really fucking decent- I would. I'd shake young Skippy by the shoulders too and maybe slap her around a little bit like you do when you're trying to get someone to snap out of it. Hang out. Pshhhhh. P.S. Maybe say "Want to grab a drink?". That changes everything and who doesn't want a drink?

Time to Stop "Wine"-ing

This weekend was so fun! I'm mostly a homebody I think, so, when I do go out I'm just so dang excited about it. Yesterday was Estrogen-y Girl-y Day and it was awesome. Sara, Jessica, Brandi, Emily, and Emily's friends and I went to WINE FEST, which was almost as wonderful as CHOCOLATE FEST. Chocolate Fest is so beautiful that it always brings me close to tears because I can't believe how lucky I am to be there with all the chocolate. But, this festival was really cool too! I need to make sangria and hot apple wine at home asap. We kept our class and maturity up for a really long time. Eventually the wine samples worked their magic and coaxed us back to our natural personalities(read: laughing a lot and not very mature at all actually as a matter of fact). I read something the other day that said that laughter is not so much about humor as it is about bonding. I don't know how I feel about that statement, but, it makes you think a bit. We went to Zazou's and I went outside with Brandi to keep her company while she smoked. We sat in a stairwell that was covered and watched the rain and talked about this and that. My tum was warm from the wine and I love talking to Brandi and watching the rain was nice. I told her that right now, in that moment, I felt completely content. Later, we walked over to where my cousin bartends. It always makes me happy to see him. We played the jukebox and danced around. I love how extremely serious and passionate Emily is about dancing. Any time someone I care about is really, really into something (like a song or a book or in Emily's case- dancing) I automatically have a love and respect for it too. We danced and we danced and we danced. I went home early and Steve came over for a visit with a dog that I love that he was dog-sitting named Josie. She is so big and darling and her personality is cool. I gave her big hugs and thought about how life is just so perfect. Next weekend is Tiffany's Halloweenie party. I'm really excited about it and after bouncing back and forth a while I am REALLY excited about the costume I'm making. Oh boy, oh boy. The point of this post, I guess, is that I am very happy and I have been for quite some time. Here's Wine Fest & pals:

I Feel Like You Should Blast Kelly Clarkson When You Read This

HI! I have not written anything in a very long time and you know why that is? Well, for one thing my laptop was hijacked and for another- I've had very little to write about. That's a good thing! Because usually I'm like wah wah wah dating is hard and blah, blah, blah feelings. So, I've just been relaxing and taking it easy and it's been really, really, really great. I am really into not dating anyone and if I ever date anyone ever again, that person is going to have to really bring it, because, otherwise- WHAT IS THE POINT. Do I need someone giving me a headache and making me do things I don't want to do and giving myself magical hair mask treatments? Nope. Actually, hair mask treatments are fun. And it makes my hair shiny. So, that's fine, but, you know what I mean. Do I want to cock an eyebrow and study someone's face to try to determine if they are lying to me and then conclude that, yes, indeed they are? I really would not like to do that at all. If I have the choice. And, I do. Will I maybe do that shit again one day for someone? Yes, I'm suuuuure I will. I know me very well and I bet I do things like bake them cookies or knit them a scarf and stuff like that. But, I'm telling you they are really going to have to bring it and bring it hard. These fools I've been passing time with from time to time and on occasion are not cutting it. The dating culture I've witnessed so far- I am above it. I'm not afraid to say that and if you are reading this you should feel that way too. Dudes want to "hang out". I stopped seeing one guy (who hates me now) because he kept calling me "pal". Then the next guy I dated called me "pal" and I was like what is going on here. I ain't lookin' for no dang pal! I didn't put on this magical hair mask that makes my hair shiny to attract a platonic friend you fool! Steve tried to tell me yesterday I might have trust issues. I got a bit riled up, not unlike an old mad wet hen, and declared that I do not! Do I have trouble trusting Steve? Do I have trust issues at all with any of my friends or my family? I absolutely do not. I have trouble trusting someone who lies to me. I told him that and he was sort of like oh, good point. In my mind a weakling is someone who wants to hang out versus date, lies, calls me pal, plays mind games, acts aloof. Those are all signs of weakness to me. I (and YOU) deserve flowers, sincere compliments, dinner, romance, laughter, quality companionship, and respect. I'm not going to date a weakling. No, no, no. No way, Jose. Not when I, myself, have become so strong.