Sunday, March 15, 2015

Updating About Dating

I went through a phase for a while there where I seemed to be drawn like a moth to the flame to dudes who were not a good fit for me. It was the silliest thing and now I look back like "Oh my god" and roll my eyes and try to repress the memories deep down in the foggiest, darkest, tiniest corner of my mind. Eventually I realized that my self-esteem had taken a beating and I was seeking out people that were not serious about me and trying to change their minds about that with the subconscious idea that if I was able to make them feel differently about me, it would heal my bruised ego and my self-worth would be restored to it's natural state of Hell-Yeah-I'm-Awesome, which I preferred. Anyway, once it occurred to me that I was doing this sort of self-harming kind of thing it was easy to stop doing it. I just stopped. It is true that people are only as terrible to you as you allow them to be. I knew I was making mistakes, even as I was making them. But, I got through it by writing about it and having supportive and loving friends and family. I kept dating and dated often. But, I made healthier decisions. The guy who I met and had drinks and okay conversation with and never heard from again- I didn't reach out to him and his lack of follow up didn't effect me more than a passing thought of "Hmm. That's weird. Did this fool not understand how badass I am?". The guy who lied about his phone being run over by a car and admitted later that he had really just deleted my number because he felt like he was "too into me too soon" (?!) was not given the benefit of the doubt or another chance. If he lied about that, what wouldn't he lie about? I didn't stick around to find out. The guy who I found out through a mutual friend had been engaged 4 times in 4 years who talked a little about how he deserved an opportunity to show me he was different now didn't get to a first date (In the past I would have been like is COMPLICATED and everyone has a story and walk a mile in his shoes and I suppose he deserves a chance). I closed my mind more and made decisions like maybe a cruel loan officer would with a trigger-happy red rubber stamp. DENY DENY DENY! It has been two years since I've been in a committed relationship. One day I went on a date with Michael and that was that. Thank you to everyone that reads this silly diary for letting me talk about my feelings and work through things. It is ultimately nice that I went through what I did because I am thankful every day for what is happening now.

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