I Feel Like You Should Blast Kelly Clarkson When You Read This

HI! I have not written anything in a very long time and you know why that is? Well, for one thing my laptop was hijacked and for another- I've had very little to write about. That's a good thing! Because usually I'm like wah wah wah dating is hard and blah, blah, blah feelings. So, I've just been relaxing and taking it easy and it's been really, really, really great. I am really into not dating anyone and if I ever date anyone ever again, that person is going to have to really bring it, because, otherwise- WHAT IS THE POINT. Do I need someone giving me a headache and making me do things I don't want to do and giving myself magical hair mask treatments? Nope. Actually, hair mask treatments are fun. And it makes my hair shiny. So, that's fine, but, you know what I mean. Do I want to cock an eyebrow and study someone's face to try to determine if they are lying to me and then conclude that, yes, indeed they are? I really would not like to do that at all. If I have the choice. And, I do. Will I maybe do that shit again one day for someone? Yes, I'm suuuuure I will. I know me very well and I bet I do things like bake them cookies or knit them a scarf and stuff like that. But, I'm telling you they are really going to have to bring it and bring it hard. These fools I've been passing time with from time to time and on occasion are not cutting it. The dating culture I've witnessed so far- I am above it. I'm not afraid to say that and if you are reading this you should feel that way too. Dudes want to "hang out". I stopped seeing one guy (who hates me now) because he kept calling me "pal". Then the next guy I dated called me "pal" and I was like what is going on here. I ain't lookin' for no dang pal! I didn't put on this magical hair mask that makes my hair shiny to attract a platonic friend you fool! Steve tried to tell me yesterday I might have trust issues. I got a bit riled up, not unlike an old mad wet hen, and declared that I do not! Do I have trouble trusting Steve? Do I have trust issues at all with any of my friends or my family? I absolutely do not. I have trouble trusting someone who lies to me. I told him that and he was sort of like oh, good point. In my mind a weakling is someone who wants to hang out versus date, lies, calls me pal, plays mind games, acts aloof. Those are all signs of weakness to me. I (and YOU) deserve flowers, sincere compliments, dinner, romance, laughter, quality companionship, and respect. I'm not going to date a weakling. No, no, no. No way, Jose. Not when I, myself, have become so strong.

What's a Crib?

When I was 15 years old my sister took me to watch a band play at York Street Cafe'. We had a lot of fun. I was like, "Weeee...I'm at a bar and I'm a teen!". When we were driving home, I thought I recognized someone I knew in the car ahead of us in the next lane. I mumbled something out loud and my sister heard me and cheerfully said, "Oh those are your friends??" and she sped up to be next to the car. At this point I realized they were strangers and protested, but, it was too late. My socially-forward-and-friendly-at-all-times sister was calling out the window to a car full of teenage guys saying, "LOOK WHO I HAVE HE-E-EERE!". She pointed to me and I sunk down low in my seat. The guys came to life like how I imagine feeding time at the zoo for the lions must be like. Drop a little lamb in there and all the lions savagely pounce. They were half-hanging out the window and saying the types of things you might imagine like- "Yeah I like what I see!", "You girls come back to our crib!", etc., while I kept saying over and over again "It's not who I thought it was, It's not who I thought it was, It's not who I thought it was". She finally heard me and told the boys, "Well I better get her home. Curfew's at 11!". When we drove off she commented that they were very friendly for being strangers. Then she asked me what a "crib" was. I guess the word was not so common then. Pre-MTV Cribs and such maybe? I don't know. I told her that a crib was a house. My sister was like a lovely lil' old grandmother trapped in a teenager's body and responded, "Well, isn't that nice..Inviting us over without even knowing us!". Her faith in humanity and the kindness of strangers was (wrongly) restored. That's the end of the story. Okay, I'm not making fun of her and I hope she doesn't think that. I just thought that story was funny/humiliating. We've grown since then.. obviously. But, I still think it's a positive quality to always believe in and to see the good in people. It's rare, that's for sure. My sister is authentic and she has a heart that is pure and brimming with love. I'm not just saying that because she's my sister. Everyone who knows her knows that. So that is good and it is special and I hope she stays that way for the rest of her life. Here we are, back in the day. I appear to be wearing a shirt that shows my belly at church. Sounds about right.

The Story of That One Awful Guy

It's story time! Gather 'round children and take a seat. Gonna talk about dating again. Surprise! This happened....I dunno...8 months ago or something. I call it The Story of That One Awful Guy. So, one evening I was chillun' on my couch, probably drinking a glass of wine and snuggling a cat and reading a book. You know, a typical Friday night. Minding my own business really! Innocently minding my own business, ignorant of impending doom. I received a message on Facebook from an old pal I used to work with like 13 years ago. A hot old pal that was cool, nice, and funny. He had been drinking and he had just experienced a bad break up and this topic happened to be my forte. We ended up chatting ALL NIGHT. The next morning he messaged me. He pretty much messaged me all the time, constantly. I liked that because the guy I was interested in right before him was sluggish with contact. He made excuses to see me that were "excuses", they were not "dates". Like, the first thing- he asked me to drive him to a wedding in Ohio. Later, we'd go to the bar and I paid for myself. I dunno, stuff like that. Which is fine, I guess, in the beginning. Especially because we were in a weird place like - are we friends or more-than-friends or what. He had JUST gotten out of a serious relationship so I was weary that I was a rebound thing. When I talked to him about that concern, I was left feeling..well, even more concerned. The "relationship" or whatever it was- was the weirdest one I'd ever been in. Sometimes we got along really well. ROMANCE! We slow danced at a bar once with the Love Light in our eyes. When we went out, he was 100% doting and focused on me. We were both really good cooks and we cooked each other dinner a lot. My best friend, Steve, adored him and seemed ready to welcome him into our little family. I really liked watching movies with him and snuggling and feeling a kind of electricity from doing that. Okay, all that stuff is not weird. The weird things were I never met any of his friends and we would fight like cats & dogs. It was insane. I've never dated anyone where the person pissed me off as much and as often. This romance was short-lived and I'd already been in more fights with him than my 10-year relationship. I don't like fighting and I don't want to fight all the time. I think a lot of the fighting probably stemmed from me questioning the status quo after awhile (few months). The not knowing thing got old. So I broached the subject and I was pissed off that I was even in a situation where I had to broach the subject. He said all the wrong things like "I didn't know you were looking for a relationship. I'm stunned." WHAT? He said he liked how things were and why must we have a title. And you know what? I can see where he was coming from. He just got out of like a 6 year relationship and he wasn't ready. The problem was that I did want a relationship. I didn't like the way his wishy washy-ness made me feel and I didn't want to feel that way any more so I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. That didn't go over well. He told me, "Thanks for saving me the trouble. No one wants a non baby maker". And then he called me worthless. I felt like I'd been punched in my stomach and simultaneously very relieved I'd ended things with this achilles' heel-attacking little baby bitch. That was a long time ago and I still make mistakes in the Romance Department. Because I'm a human being. But the point of this story is that I'm learning. I think.

Ella..ella..eh eh eh

My niece, Ella (I will be singing her name to the tune of Rihanna's Umbrella song for the rest of her life. It's fine. She'll love it.) was born last Friday. Just like I suggested she be since I was busy every other day with this and that. When I was driving to the hospital I got choked up twice. When your sister is giving birth, the feeling is greater than just the bland word "excitement". It's a wonderful feeling that I am unable to describe to you. I hurried up at work and finished the morning stats that needed to be complete and was out the door at 10 AM. She didn't come until 6PM though! I spent the day eating, gossiping, making best friends with the giddy family in the room next door, reading, laying out on benches in flower gardens outside watching people with oxygen masks bum cigs (silently judging and then scolding myself not to judge), shopping in the gift shop, telling my poor mother that there would be no grandson or daughter from me actually thankyouverymuch sorryboutthat. I told her about some of my adventures in failing at romance to give her some idea on why this topic should never be broached ever again. The content of my description was so horrifying that I could tell that my point had fully registered with her. A moron text me as I was explaining things to my mom. An idiot text me. Right then. The dumb idiot said, "Hey pal! What are you doing??" My dad didn't see the issue and I explained that what this text means, essentially- if you read between the lines- is "Hi,I am back with my ex.". My mum nodded in agreement and said, "The word 'pal' is ve-e-e-ry telling." My dad suggested I write back and ask what was with the 'pal', but, I didn't feel like it. Who really cares. Pops folded his arms and wisely summarized, "Ya live ya learn I guess". Dumb idiots are like buses and if I just squeeze my eyes shut and cross my fingers and wish very, very hard, another dumb idiot will come along every 15 minutes. When Ella FINALLY made her arrival, I held her and rocked her and she fell asleep in my arms and holding her was like an easy massage for my soul. Here is my new content little baby burrito.

All the Single Ladies

Sometimes I struggle with being single. As you probably already know. Since when I do, I write about it here. Some people make fun of me for doing that. I can see where those people are coming from, but- don't care! So, I've reached a place where I think being single is fine and cool. I really like the place I'm at actually. I feel like I've arrived at some kind of really great milestone where I love, respect, and care about myself in a way I don't think I ever have before. But SOMETIMES.. singledom still sucks. Tonight I went to my cousin's wedding. I looked stupid. You know, one of those days where you hate everything- dumb hair, stupid make up, idiot outfit, etc. I didn't feel like drinking. Different things happened that made me feel like Bridget Jones. I was sitting at a table of all couples and my sis came around with her camera and said, "Okay can I get a picture of Kent and Susie?". Then, "Matt and Tiffany?". Next, "Mom and dad?". And, finally, inevitably- "Uh....Julie?" I growled internally at my beloved sister and outwardly declined to take a ridiculous picture by myself and my mom quickly offered to take one with me. Not a big deal right? Then the wedding party came out and the song that played was an obscure one that I associated with an ex. Blech. Next, my grandparent's wedding song played and all the couples in the family sped out to the dance floor. The feeling of love and romance was palpable as I remained glued to my seat. Later, the DJ announces it's time for Couple's Dance. Everyone went to the dance floor to dance to songs that I really like, but don't have anyone to dance with. And then it's time for all the single ladies to get out on the floor and catch the bouquet. Everyone at the table excitedly poked and prodded me, "Get out there!". My dad poked me on the arm to my right. My sis-in-law poked at my leg to my left. "You're single!!", people cried excitedly, like this awesome concept just dawned on them and hadn't been smashed cruelly in my face the entire evening. I sludged up to the dance floor with the very few other girls. Girls who were, by the way, GIRLS. Young ladies. Not in my age bracket. So, I left there feeling kind of like: Damn. You know what I mean? It's no one's fault and the wedding was lovely and I enjoyed seeing everyone that I love. I'm as happy as a clam for my beautiful cousin. Gorgeous, she was gorgeous- oh my God. Her dress was sooooo, so, so pretty. I wish my attitude hadn't been so lame and next wedding (since there are 4,000 this month alone) I'll be better prepared. To drink. Heavily. Just kidding....kind of.

I Said No

After my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I would have nightmares. There was a giant black disgusting slimy anaconda that slithered after me and no matter where I hid (I'd climb into air ducts and things to hide), it would find me and attack. I'd wake up sweating and crying and afraid. This was the illustration my subconscious came up with concerning my "off again/on again" relationship that lasted 10+ years. There aren't words to explain the pain I went through, so I'm not going to bother. You've maybe felt it before. There are lots of songs and books and movies written about this type of pain. Aside from the hurt, the colossal tragedy is how my self worth was affected...It was not good. It was not pretty! I wasn't even ME anymore. Not a hundred percent. Let's cut to the chase, I'll tell you what happened. SUNDAY - I was badgering this guy I had the hots for, saying things like "WTF Do you like me and want to romance me or not!??", like the demure and sophisticated lady that I am. I liked him and I couldn't really tell if the feeling was mutual and I felt like let's get this party started and his hesitation and indecision- well, ain't nobody got time for that! His answer was no. That hurt and because I didn't feel that great about myself, it probably hurt more than it should have. I cried. I hated myself more. MONDAY - I come home from a day at work, feeling really shitty about myself and pulled into my driveway as my ex boyfriend is pulling up too. I hadn't seen or heard from him since we broke up near the end of May last year. My first thought was, "NO. No, no, no, no". And then I thought yes, of course, obviously this was going to happen. It's happened so many times before that I was expecting it and had already prepared mentally how to deal with it when it happened. He asked if we could talk and I said okay. I had a bit of trouble unlocking the door to my house because my hands were shaking so much. The things that happened next are blurry because I was in shock. He apologized for what happened in the past. I made the decision to forgive him and instantly felt a good peaceful feeling about that because it was closure. He asked me how my life had been and that opened a flood gate because it's been quite a year and I said, "horrible" and started crying. When I looked up from crying he had an engagement ring. Now, listen, this is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life. I thought things like "Oh he MEANS it this this time! This time's for real!". I couldn't say yes and he told me to think about it as long as I needed. He said we could get married tomorrow or be engaged 5 years, whatever I wanted. My happy ending?! Tuesday I spent the entire day crying and being confused and being in shock. I was comforted by my friends and family. Pretty much everyone told me they would love and support me no matter what I decided and that only I could decide this. I thought to myself how incredible the people I choose to keep around me are. They always build me up. They always love me. They always make me happy. Over the years, in good times or in bad, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health- I can depend on these people. It became clear to me that this is what I deserve from the man I marry as well. They say love is unconditional, but, not if it's at the expense of my self worth. I drew a line in the sand! That's my one condition (one-conditional love?). Making the right decision made me feel confident and strong. I'm starting to love myself again. This revival of my lost self-love feels to me like I'm getting my happy ending after all.

SheMan Male Haters Club

Every time something is floatin' around in my head I like to write about it. So, here we go. I was thinking about how when I was in my twenties, I never wanted to settle down with someone and I thought I never would. I think that's so weird compared to where I am at now. The reason why I was like that, I think, is because every time I was in a relationship, it ended pretty badly and in a blind-sided kind of way. Love used to be a pure, simple, happy thing and then it wasn't anymore. I was tired of relationships and the bad outweighed the good in my opinion. I decided to be a free spirit and at the same time formulated a damaging theory in my mind. This theory was that all men were cheaters. That love wasn't a real thing anymore. So, I spent a decade or so steering away from relationships like it was the damn plague and treating the men that came into my life like the scumbags I assumed they all were. When you treat someone like a scumbag, a lot of times that is how they will behave. In time, maybe that is how they will come to believe they are. I don't want to be a SheMan Male Hater. I want to treat all people with kindness, love, encouragement, and respect. Something changed in me and I think that's a good thing. I matured! Finally! I try to treat people delicately. Do I think all men are out to get me and destroy my life? Neh. I think you get out of relationships (all relationships- family, friends, etc) what you put into it. If you put in love and patience, that's what you get back. If you don't get that back, well then.. it's time to move along, lil' doggie. I guess to some extent if you expect a relationship to fail, it will. But there are also warning signs that I used to downplay and instead only focus on the good. (Example: Sometimes he doesn't respond to texts.. but he fixed the plumbing! That means he MUST love me. Bull-fucking-shit. If he's not answering texts, something is wrong that shouldn't be ignored. Period.) It took me awhile, but, I learned how to spot things I don't want- communicate to the person what I don't want- and if it doesn't change move the hell on and not look back. I've learned not to put up with nonsense that I shouldn't put up with. When your gut tells you something is wrong, you should always listen to it. Your gut knows. These days my gut screams at me "NO! WRONG! BAD! RUN FOR THE HILLS!". It all seems kind of simple now. Does that mean I'll continue to be alone for a long time? Probs. That doesn't bother me though because I'm looking for a quality human being who is right for me. Someone to make me believe that the good can outweigh the bad and I will always believe that it can.