Hoppy New Year, Young Grasshopper

So it's 2014 freaking FINALLY. Here's my goal for this year: Have as much fun as humanly possible (like lots & lots of fun) while also positively balancing my health, fam, & financial responsibilities. This year I want to not be too hard on myself, repel negativity, and I want to go with the flow. I talked to my bro the other day about this and that and he started chirping to me about how maybe I should take a good long look at what I spend my money on and evaluate my priorities. In other words, stop painting the town red and get my pipes fixed and stuff like that around the house instead. It's like the story of the grasshopper and the ant. You know the story, where the ant was preparing for winter or something and the grasshopper was... not doing that. I just googled it and instead of preparing for winter the grasshopper was singing. Awww, singing! Bless that little grasshopper's heart. And then winter comes and the grasshopper is like "Hey ant, can I get some food?" and the ant is like "No! Die!". So the moral is supposed to be that you should be aware of the perils of idleness. OR YOU WILL DIE. Let's all just calm down a bit. I did appreciate that eye-opening honest feedback from my brother. I did not feel judged by him (like that terrible, judgey, murderous ant). It was something I needed to hear because I suppose sometimes I can get carried away. I plan to check that behavior so I am better able to accomplish some of the goals I have for this year. With that said, I want my loved ones to understand that I am working very hard and doing the best that I possibly can. I have to say, that while I am not idle- I am always going to want to sing and have fun like the grasshopper. I don't want to be looked down on for that and I would love that to be accepted because that is who I am.

Pammy

On my cell phone I still have a text conversation from 9/7 between me and my friend, Pam. Pam passed away on 9/7. The conversation is stupid. I asked her if she would work for me so I could go to Mike and Alex's wedding and she said "Yeah that's fine I will" & I said "WHAT!!;OMG OMG! THANK YOU!!!" I look at that dumb conversation quite a lot. I used to clear out my text convo's frequently and now I regret that because we had other conversations that were not boring and I would have liked to still have them. Gosh, I loved her. We worked at the same place in different departments since 2001 when I started. We were not pals originally. In fact, my first correspondence with her was in email and she got offended by my email because I said the request was urgent (well, it WAS..). After that, if I would pass her in the hallway I would have a big ol' cheese-smile on my face, like I do for everyone, and she would frown at me. Actual eye-rolling happened sometimes. That was like 12 years ago. After we became buds, I would ask her about it and she had no recollection of feeling any ill will toward me at all. About 4 or 5 years ago, a new department was developed at our work and they hired 3 people for it. I was a bit nervous when I heard Pam and I both got the job because I thought, "Crap. I'm pretty sure that woman hates me." Having a group of three people is a very intimate thing. You can't help but become close. And the three of us did. Sometimes in life you meet these special people that you connect with on a deep level and very quickly. And you think, "Why didn't we pal up sooner!". Pam was everything I love in a person. She was so funny. So sosoososo funny. Our sense of humor was the same and that is a rare jem treat I think. Over the years, any time I had an issue or guy problem or bad day or whatever, I would jet over to her desk to talk to her about it. She was like the human form of a hug. She was altruistic too. I felt like there wasn't anything she wouldn't have done for me or for anyone else she cared about. She was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to about whatever. She worked hard on being positive and she was so cute because she said she wanted to be positive like me. That's another thing- her genuine compliments will make your eyes water up. I loved her you guys. I know I already said that, but, I'm saying it again. I still sometimes kind of struggle with the fact that this is reality and she is no longer with us. But, in the spirit of being positive like her- I did learn a lot from this. I tell my friends/fam often that I love them and appreciate them and the reasons why I love/appreciate them. I respect life and the frailty of it. I think everyone deserves to have someone in their life that treats them the way Pam treated me and made me feel. My hope is that I can be like that towards the people in my life going forward.

Heart Problems (Not Like That)

Not about my stupid health issue- I'm going to talk about dating some more and here I go. So, most of my life I dated the same person. Because of this, we know..knew..each other well. Eh, a lot of the time I felt like he knew and understood me better than I knew and understood myself. That relationship ended permanently in May; 6 months ago. When you are hurt by someone you loved, that pain never goes away. It lessens.. and that is such a relief. I think I'll always flinch a little bit at the memory though. So anyway, the past 6 months I've been dating up a storm. I started into it actually so excited. I always felt like I'm a really good communicator about feelings and stuff and I've never met a stranger and my heart is posted right up here on my sleeve in broad view for all the world to see and I imagined once released into the dating world I would be able to date the hell out of anyone. At the very least, if I didn't find True Love I would have Fun Times and make new friends. But, that's not what I have experienced at all. I don't know how to date. I don't. The first person who caught my interest, swiftly rejected me. When I say rejected, I mean they didn't contact me. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, etc. I tried to initiate contact for a bit and then stopped because I thought- this is not how it feels when a guy likes you. I stopped pursuing and he disappeared. That's fine, I thought. Not everyone is going to find me an endearing human being that brings them constant joy and eyeball-hearts. And that's a fact, Jack. That exact scenerio has played out like fifteen different times, though. Undeterred and miraculously still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I put my Big Girl Dating Pants on and tried again. I went on lots of dates with a guy who was perfection on paper, but, dating is about getting to know someone and after I got to know him, I just wasn't feeling "it" and I broke that terrible news as gently as I possibly could. Breaking news like that, I think, feels worse than being on the receiving end of rejection (rejection is basically my comfort zone at this point). The instant one person goes away, another almost instantly pops up in their place. And the same thing happens. It's like a pattern of hope/rejection/pain, hope/rejection/pain being played on a loop. Does that sound like fun to you? Because I am here to tell you, it isn't. It is almost exactly 6 months to the day that I wrote the break up post and I like anniversaries and things like that so in honor of that post- I quit. I went all in at first and now I know when to fold 'em. I'm going on a dating holding pattern for awhile and I'm certainly never going to go out of my way to pursue anyone ever again as long as I live. I've already found my Soulmate Friends and that is lovely enough and I feel very lucky for that. So, don't mind me whilst I pull off the heart display from my sleeve and tuck it away somewhere dark, warm, and soft where it will be safe for the time being. I honestly don't know why it's taken me so long to do that in the first place.

Cov Love

For some reason yesterday I was feeling really Friday-y. You know, like yay let's go out and eat something delish and drink some form of cocktails! I typically don't feel like that because I always have to work the next morn anyway so it's like what's the freaking point? But yesterday was different and Stevie V was behaving quite like Henry the dog like-LET'S GO OUT. LET'S GO OUT IMMEDIATELY. NOW NOW NOW ARE YOU HOME YET LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO. So we headed out to the village. I was already as happy as a clam because the weather was just so. I had so much fun. I laughed a lot and I was gifted with kind words from different acquaintances. The kind of stuff that makes your heart glow a little. I like to hear different people's opinions on this and on that. Plus, everyone always brings their dogs and I may or may not have an (annoying?) obsession with canines. Don't get me wrong, once the clock strikes whatever it gets really crowded and ew gross college kids and stuff. That is not the part I enjoy. What makes me happy is kicking around leaves in a cute town filled with good folks with not a worry in the world besides deciding where I want to eat. I'm in love with that village and all the people in it!

I Feel Like Blues & Cuss Words

The majority of my adult life has been pretty carefree and happy I think. One time I thought I had some kind of undiscovered disease that was the exact opposite of depression because I was so happy all the time. Well, lately life has been the pits! The absolute pits! There I’ve said it. I’m not happy and I don’t like that. And when does it pass and when do things get better and when can I have the happy disease again? Meh. Sometimes I feel like what didn't kill me never made me any stronger at all. Please feel free to leave a knock-knock joke in the comments below.

An Open Letter to the Assholes of Covington

First of all, put your shirt on when I'm talking to you. Quit throwing garbage in my yard WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? One of the 1st lessons learned at mother's knee is "don't be a litterbug, be a jitterbug & dance to your nearest garbage can". Right? Right, Asshole? Why, Assholes of Covington, is your bass up so high that it makes my walls shake? I think you are ridiculous. Assholes of Covington: don't whistle, honk, or yell perverted things at me when I'm cutting my grass. Especially if your bass is so loud that the ground is shaking. Because I am many things (sweaty, wishing I was inside eating a hamburger, bleeding from my shin), but horny isn't one of them. Just stop it. You are gross. Stop revving your motorcycles. It's a no wake zone, whatever that means. Finally, as always, don't light your children on fire. Love, Skipper

Good Date- About Freaking Time

I went on another date and it was soosososososoosoooooooosoos oso oososooso SO fun. I know I said I wouldn't talk about dating anymore, but, I knew I was lying when I said that. This'll be the last time. Really. (It won't be) I know the guy and we'd hung out a few times, but, I haven't seen him in 5 years. I remember the last time I saw him I looked at him at thought "This is a really nice guy. Too nice for me". Five years ago, a relationship was the last thing I wanted. Five years ago I was immature and only wanted to run around with my friends and being in a committed relationship sounded miserable and exhausting. I liked him, but,I felt like he was too good for me. I've done a lot of growing since then and I've been trying really hard to be a better person. I'm doing great at it I think! Now I feel like I absolutely do deserve a nice person. So..anyways...I got ready early, which has not ever happened before, so I was just sitting there waiting staring at my little brother, who was chillin' on the couch obnoxiously calm and relaxed. I've never been so nervous in my life. I got a text from Date that said, "I'm here". I thought that was weird and that he wanted me to go out to the car or something so I swung open the front door and BOOM! There he was. And I screamed and flung my arms about because he startled the hell out of me. Apparently my doorbell is broken and I didn't hear it ring. He was SO handsome! You guys! He opened the car doors for me. I have a theory that it is impossible for a date to go badly if they open the car door for you. It tells me that he is a man and is not afraid to behave like one and that is incredibly attractive to me. We went to schmancy din and the waitress had to come back like 4 times to take our order because we accidentally kept talking. The food was absolutely delicious and it was just the best first date ever! Hopefully there is a date #2. We will see I guess.