We are All Superstars and Heroes

I had an unusually bad week. My furnace broke, toilet broke, gas leak, tree growing out of the foundation, A BATHROOM GARBAGE CAN MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!, and finished it off with someone doing a hit-and-run on my luxury sedan Thanksgiving Day complete with a police officer so mean I wondered to myself if, unbeknownst to me, we had some kind of beef. Oy vey! Sometimes when things don't run smoothly, I think I have a more difficult time handling it than your average person. Maybe it has something to do with being the youngest child for 13 years. Maybe it has something to do with a lifetime of the attitude to let the guy handle it. I want to analyze the way I react to the situations I find challenging and modify it immediately. Because, as my wise older brother says- this is life and these are the things I'm going to have to deal with. These are the things that EVERYONE has to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I'm not capable enough to handle it all on my own and I think that is why I cry. I want to be, but, I am not. The truth is NOBODY can handle it all on their own. It is probably not a garbage can mouse for other people, but, everyone has their tough times that they fall on and when this happens everyone needs support and love and.. help. With that said, I think that has something to do with why I struggle so badly in dealing with "life stuff". I didn't know if I had support and that hits ya! It hits ya hard in the gut. I mean, of course, I have my friends/fam but I'm sick and tired of putting them out. I gotta ask them for help again.....gosh dang it why can't I just be self sufficient!! Sucks! But, then something really great happened. My friends Kelly and Gary offered to let me stay at their luxurious house until my heat got fixed. They are the sweetest sweet potatoes in the whole sweet potato casserole. My brother dealt with the horror in the bathroom trashcan and then helped my HVAC-certified pal fix the furnace and also fixed a plumbing leak that I didn't even ask them to fix or bring up at all. Then my pal refused to accept payment. He did let me give him a blueberry banana bread I made from scratch and behaved as though he was the one who made out in this deal. I cried again (in private!). This time not out of helplessness. I cried out of gratefulness and awe and how fundamentally good the people in my life are. I am lucky. I don't take that kind of thing for granted or lightly. People don't realize the nice things they do can make such a big impact on someone else. So ANYWAY..! Have you ever seen that movie, Gone with the Wind? (SPOILER ALERT) There's a part in it where Scarlett is riding with Rhett back to Tara through the war and fires and explosions and Rhett (I don't even like Rhett at all. I know I'm supposed to not like Scarlett but I don't like Rhett. Team Scarlett.) leaves her halfway through and when she makes it home, her mom is dead, the house is in shambles, her dad's lost his mind, her sisters are sick, and the fields are burned and they have no food (so not QUITE as harrowing as a bathroom trashcan mouse, but, close). So anyway she's in the field clutching at burned up turnips or some such thing and she says, "As God as my witness, I will never be hungry again!!" SO GOOD..WATCH: (God as my witness) My point is, I can't fix a furnace(I tried, I youtubed it and googled and tried and tried)... or fix really anything at all..but, what I am going to do is save up a million zillion dollars in an emergency fund so next time "life stuff" happens, I am ready. Last year my new year's resolution was to pay off all my debt- and I DID IT. This year I'm going to squirrel up enough money to bail me out of emergencies. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be reliant on somebody else again. (Financially. I'm still going to need hugs and stuff. xoxoxo)

Hang Man

I was just absolutely terrible at dating when I was fresh out of the gate. I had very little search criteria at first. I didn't know any red flags. It was basically- am I attracted to him? Sa-weet, let's hang. This laissez faire approach did not work out too well for me. If a guy ever asks you to "hang out" my suggestion is to decline, politely. (Unless you are not looking for a relationship in which case do whatever the f you want. I'm not your mom.) Anywaysies- Why does a grown adult man want to "hang out" with me? It's ludicrous if you think it through. A guy asked me to hang the other day and it happens so often and irks me so much that I may have snapped at the poor boy a bit because..I dunno..it's just so annoying. I said, "Are you asking me if I want to hang out with you as platonic friends?". He explained that he was just trying to start a conversation. I politely declined the weak, flimsy invitation. It's kind of insulting if you think about it. Asking to hang says to me that this person is thinking, "Hmmm I'm really not that sure about you or excited about you and I want to put as little effort into this as possible and I don't think you're deserving of an actual date where my intention is crystal clear that I am romantically interested in you. Fingers crossed you sleep with me though." Am I right or am I right? Is there another side to it that I am missing? Am I being bitchy? I can't help it, that's how I feel. I've always had trouble putting into words why that bothers me so much. So, I am happy I was able to now. Admittedly, I am a 35 year old woman and perhaps someone younger would be completely cool with the dreaded hang out. But, it seems like the acceptance could stem from naivety. If I could go back in time and tell a young Skippy not to waste even one second with someone who didn't treat her decent - really fucking decent- I would. I'd shake young Skippy by the shoulders too and maybe slap her around a little bit like you do when you're trying to get someone to snap out of it. Hang out. Pshhhhh. P.S. Maybe say "Want to grab a drink?". That changes everything and who doesn't want a drink?

Time to Stop "Wine"-ing

This weekend was so fun! I'm mostly a homebody I think, so, when I do go out I'm just so dang excited about it. Yesterday was Estrogen-y Girl-y Day and it was awesome. Sara, Jessica, Brandi, Emily, and Emily's friends and I went to WINE FEST, which was almost as wonderful as CHOCOLATE FEST. Chocolate Fest is so beautiful that it always brings me close to tears because I can't believe how lucky I am to be there with all the chocolate. But, this festival was really cool too! I need to make sangria and hot apple wine at home asap. We kept our class and maturity up for a really long time. Eventually the wine samples worked their magic and coaxed us back to our natural personalities(read: laughing a lot and not very mature at all actually as a matter of fact). I read something the other day that said that laughter is not so much about humor as it is about bonding. I don't know how I feel about that statement, but, it makes you think a bit. We went to Zazou's and I went outside with Brandi to keep her company while she smoked. We sat in a stairwell that was covered and watched the rain and talked about this and that. My tum was warm from the wine and I love talking to Brandi and watching the rain was nice. I told her that right now, in that moment, I felt completely content. Later, we walked over to where my cousin bartends. It always makes me happy to see him. We played the jukebox and danced around. I love how extremely serious and passionate Emily is about dancing. Any time someone I care about is really, really into something (like a song or a book or in Emily's case- dancing) I automatically have a love and respect for it too. We danced and we danced and we danced. I went home early and Steve came over for a visit with a dog that I love that he was dog-sitting named Josie. She is so big and darling and her personality is cool. I gave her big hugs and thought about how life is just so perfect. Next weekend is Tiffany's Halloweenie party. I'm really excited about it and after bouncing back and forth a while I am REALLY excited about the costume I'm making. Oh boy, oh boy. The point of this post, I guess, is that I am very happy and I have been for quite some time. Here's Wine Fest & pals:

I Feel Like You Should Blast Kelly Clarkson When You Read This

HI! I have not written anything in a very long time and you know why that is? Well, for one thing my laptop was hijacked and for another- I've had very little to write about. That's a good thing! Because usually I'm like wah wah wah dating is hard and blah, blah, blah feelings. So, I've just been relaxing and taking it easy and it's been really, really, really great. I am really into not dating anyone and if I ever date anyone ever again, that person is going to have to really bring it, because, otherwise- WHAT IS THE POINT. Do I need someone giving me a headache and making me do things I don't want to do and giving myself magical hair mask treatments? Nope. Actually, hair mask treatments are fun. And it makes my hair shiny. So, that's fine, but, you know what I mean. Do I want to cock an eyebrow and study someone's face to try to determine if they are lying to me and then conclude that, yes, indeed they are? I really would not like to do that at all. If I have the choice. And, I do. Will I maybe do that shit again one day for someone? Yes, I'm suuuuure I will. I know me very well and I bet I do things like bake them cookies or knit them a scarf and stuff like that. But, I'm telling you they are really going to have to bring it and bring it hard. These fools I've been passing time with from time to time and on occasion are not cutting it. The dating culture I've witnessed so far- I am above it. I'm not afraid to say that and if you are reading this you should feel that way too. Dudes want to "hang out". I stopped seeing one guy (who hates me now) because he kept calling me "pal". Then the next guy I dated called me "pal" and I was like what is going on here. I ain't lookin' for no dang pal! I didn't put on this magical hair mask that makes my hair shiny to attract a platonic friend you fool! Steve tried to tell me yesterday I might have trust issues. I got a bit riled up, not unlike an old mad wet hen, and declared that I do not! Do I have trouble trusting Steve? Do I have trust issues at all with any of my friends or my family? I absolutely do not. I have trouble trusting someone who lies to me. I told him that and he was sort of like oh, good point. In my mind a weakling is someone who wants to hang out versus date, lies, calls me pal, plays mind games, acts aloof. Those are all signs of weakness to me. I (and YOU) deserve flowers, sincere compliments, dinner, romance, laughter, quality companionship, and respect. I'm not going to date a weakling. No, no, no. No way, Jose. Not when I, myself, have become so strong.

What's a Crib?

When I was 15 years old my sister took me to watch a band play at York Street Cafe'. We had a lot of fun. I was like, "Weeee...I'm at a bar and I'm a teen!". When we were driving home, I thought I recognized someone I knew in the car ahead of us in the next lane. I mumbled something out loud and my sister heard me and cheerfully said, "Oh those are your friends??" and she sped up to be next to the car. At this point I realized they were strangers and protested, but, it was too late. My socially-forward-and-friendly-at-all-times sister was calling out the window to a car full of teenage guys saying, "LOOK WHO I HAVE HE-E-EERE!". She pointed to me and I sunk down low in my seat. The guys came to life like how I imagine feeding time at the zoo for the lions must be like. Drop a little lamb in there and all the lions savagely pounce. They were half-hanging out the window and saying the types of things you might imagine like- "Yeah I like what I see!", "You girls come back to our crib!", etc., while I kept saying over and over again "It's not who I thought it was, It's not who I thought it was, It's not who I thought it was". She finally heard me and told the boys, "Well I better get her home. Curfew's at 11!". When we drove off she commented that they were very friendly for being strangers. Then she asked me what a "crib" was. I guess the word was not so common then. Pre-MTV Cribs and such maybe? I don't know. I told her that a crib was a house. My sister was like a lovely lil' old grandmother trapped in a teenager's body and responded, "Well, isn't that nice..Inviting us over without even knowing us!". Her faith in humanity and the kindness of strangers was (wrongly) restored. That's the end of the story. Okay, I'm not making fun of her and I hope she doesn't think that. I just thought that story was funny/humiliating. We've grown since then.. obviously. But, I still think it's a positive quality to always believe in and to see the good in people. It's rare, that's for sure. My sister is authentic and she has a heart that is pure and brimming with love. I'm not just saying that because she's my sister. Everyone who knows her knows that. So that is good and it is special and I hope she stays that way for the rest of her life. Here we are, back in the day. I appear to be wearing a shirt that shows my belly at church. Sounds about right.

The Story of That One Awful Guy

It's story time! Gather 'round children and take a seat. Gonna talk about dating again. Surprise! This happened....I dunno...8 months ago or something. I call it The Story of That One Awful Guy. So, one evening I was chillun' on my couch, probably drinking a glass of wine and snuggling a cat and reading a book. You know, a typical Friday night. Minding my own business really! Innocently minding my own business, ignorant of impending doom. I received a message on Facebook from an old pal I used to work with like 13 years ago. A hot old pal that was cool, nice, and funny. He had been drinking and he had just experienced a bad break up and this topic happened to be my forte. We ended up chatting ALL NIGHT. The next morning he messaged me. He pretty much messaged me all the time, constantly. I liked that because the guy I was interested in right before him was sluggish with contact. He made excuses to see me that were "excuses", they were not "dates". Like, the first thing- he asked me to drive him to a wedding in Ohio. Later, we'd go to the bar and I paid for myself. I dunno, stuff like that. Which is fine, I guess, in the beginning. Especially because we were in a weird place like - are we friends or more-than-friends or what. He had JUST gotten out of a serious relationship so I was weary that I was a rebound thing. When I talked to him about that concern, I was left feeling..well, even more concerned. The "relationship" or whatever it was- was the weirdest one I'd ever been in. Sometimes we got along really well. ROMANCE! We slow danced at a bar once with the Love Light in our eyes. When we went out, he was 100% doting and focused on me. We were both really good cooks and we cooked each other dinner a lot. My best friend, Steve, adored him and seemed ready to welcome him into our little family. I really liked watching movies with him and snuggling and feeling a kind of electricity from doing that. Okay, all that stuff is not weird. The weird things were I never met any of his friends and we would fight like cats & dogs. It was insane. I've never dated anyone where the person pissed me off as much and as often. This romance was short-lived and I'd already been in more fights with him than my 10-year relationship. I don't like fighting and I don't want to fight all the time. I think a lot of the fighting probably stemmed from me questioning the status quo after awhile (few months). The not knowing thing got old. So I broached the subject and I was pissed off that I was even in a situation where I had to broach the subject. He said all the wrong things like "I didn't know you were looking for a relationship. I'm stunned." WHAT? He said he liked how things were and why must we have a title. And you know what? I can see where he was coming from. He just got out of like a 6 year relationship and he wasn't ready. The problem was that I did want a relationship. I didn't like the way his wishy washy-ness made me feel and I didn't want to feel that way any more so I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. That didn't go over well. He told me, "Thanks for saving me the trouble. No one wants a non baby maker". And then he called me worthless. I felt like I'd been punched in my stomach and simultaneously very relieved I'd ended things with this achilles' heel-attacking little baby bitch. That was a long time ago and I still make mistakes in the Romance Department. Because I'm a human being. But the point of this story is that I'm learning. I think.

Ella..ella..eh eh eh

My niece, Ella (I will be singing her name to the tune of Rihanna's Umbrella song for the rest of her life. It's fine. She'll love it.) was born last Friday. Just like I suggested she be since I was busy every other day with this and that. When I was driving to the hospital I got choked up twice. When your sister is giving birth, the feeling is greater than just the bland word "excitement". It's a wonderful feeling that I am unable to describe to you. I hurried up at work and finished the morning stats that needed to be complete and was out the door at 10 AM. She didn't come until 6PM though! I spent the day eating, gossiping, making best friends with the giddy family in the room next door, reading, laying out on benches in flower gardens outside watching people with oxygen masks bum cigs (silently judging and then scolding myself not to judge), shopping in the gift shop, telling my poor mother that there would be no grandson or daughter from me actually thankyouverymuch sorryboutthat. I told her about some of my adventures in failing at romance to give her some idea on why this topic should never be broached ever again. The content of my description was so horrifying that I could tell that my point had fully registered with her. A moron text me as I was explaining things to my mom. An idiot text me. Right then. The dumb idiot said, "Hey pal! What are you doing??" My dad didn't see the issue and I explained that what this text means, essentially- if you read between the lines- is "Hi,I am back with my ex.". My mum nodded in agreement and said, "The word 'pal' is ve-e-e-ry telling." My dad suggested I write back and ask what was with the 'pal', but, I didn't feel like it. Who really cares. Pops folded his arms and wisely summarized, "Ya live ya learn I guess". Dumb idiots are like buses and if I just squeeze my eyes shut and cross my fingers and wish very, very hard, another dumb idiot will come along every 15 minutes. When Ella FINALLY made her arrival, I held her and rocked her and she fell asleep in my arms and holding her was like an easy massage for my soul. Here is my new content little baby burrito.