Online Dating = LOLZ

A few things first & foremost- 1.) I've missed you darling, gorgeous, & handsome readers. When I run into someone and they tell me they read this or say I'm a good writer or ask about an update or whatever it really makes me happy. Like so happy! 1 & 1/2.) I'm going to tell you about this date I went on and then I swear I'll stop talking about my dating life on the world wide web and fb and stuff. After this. Because that's rude if the fellows have actual potential. And I know for a fact I have some dates with respectable guys coming up. But mum's the word on that so never you mind! 2.) TRex-er ran into my ex yesterday and he was with the girl that he always cheated on me with (or..does he cheat on her with me and I just didn't know? or was it a double relationship at the same time.....? or lolzozlzololz, we will never know- I'm just glad I'm out of it!). At first, I was like whoa & wowie zowie getting that confirmation of their relationship and then common sense almost instantly prevailed and I just felt relief that my hands are permanently washed of that situation and I wish them the best or whatever I guess. Good luck you two crazy kids! 3.) No more online dating. I'm going to stop online dating and only date guys I have reliable positive intel on. haha- intel. Okay, so Ima tell you everything. Sit down, make yourself a nice glass of tea. If you are in a loving and committed relationship, run and go find that person and give them a hug and a kiss and make them a nice dinner or something as appreciation for not having to deal with what I'm about to recount to you. So, I met this guy online and he seemed like the first normal person on there. He likes zip-lining! He's a "Golf Pro"! He's never been married and has no kids and talked normal when he messaged me. Why NOT let him buy me a drink I says to myself? "What's it gonna hurt!" I think. "Dating is fun!" I think. "I'm ready!" I think. Driving to the bar, I ask him to send me a selfie so I will recognize him quickly when I see him. So he does and I KNOW HIM. He used to be into me hard core when I was like 18-ish and I wasn't having it. So I call one of my bff's as I'm parking and we reason together that YOLO and it was a long time ago and I am certainly not the same person I was 16 years ago and a drink or 2 won't hurt. Well, it hurt! It did hurt! He did not look like his pics. He tells me I "used to be fatter, but of course I know that, right?" At some point I ask why his last relationship ended and he tells me it was because her teeth were jacked, she was bad in bed, and she had 2 cats. He lived with her for a year. So I'm getting to know him and he is terrible and it keeps getting worse. He kept calling the bartender Jeeves (like a butler reference)and was rude to them. He's racist. He said he went to a party at my apartment when we were teens back in the day & had to leave because it got "too dark in there" and I was like "huh?" and he said it was like 50-60% African American people and that made him uncomfortable. He kept trying to touch my upper leg and when I batted him away he would creepily tell me to "Relax". Oh God. I can still see his creepy face telling me to relax. He called me his girlfriend to the bartender. And when I looked at him like he was a nut bag he said, "I mean my girl" and gave me a big creepy smile and "my girl" is not any better! I excused myself and went to the bathroom to think. So I come back and said it's time for me to go and he fights me on that because it's only been 15-20 minutes but I fight back and prevail. The check sits in front of us and since it wasn't going to pay itself, I offered to pay to be polite and he was like OKAY. I shouldn't have done that because I'm like $40 shy of being able to pay all my bills this pay period, but, I did. Whatever. When we are outside the place he physically tried to pick me up. And I awkwardly shooed him off and he kept trying anyway. Like 3 times this person tries to lift me into the air. Why? Why God why? I pretty much run away and immediately receive a text about how much he enjoyed our time together "babe". 2 minutes later, another text says, "No response? UNACCEPTABLE". Then another, "Are you trying to get fired?" I just ignored the messages because that seemed the best route to go with this person and haven't heard anything since so that is that. Now go hug your loved ones and get them flowers and a nice back massage and really appreciate them will ya.

Pump the Breaks

Yesterday afternoon my pal and I went to Findlay Market and the World's Longest Yard Sale and then we bar-hopped in the village for a little bit. It was FUN! The day was picture-perfect and I was so happy to be out and about and not at work. The only thing missing was a pup. I need a pup. I did find a pup later, but, it belonged to a bum and he absolutely refused to hand him over. When we were driving from Over the Rhine to Covington I balanced my checkbook which prompted me to become dismayed and then, almost immediately, the Problem Solver inside of me took over and I came up with a very intelligent idea. I shouted, "I know!! I'm a girl so maybe a guy will buy me a drink!" Question: Do guys still do that? Because no one has ever bought me a drink that I can recall. Like even when I've gone on datey things a long time ago, my cousin bartender would force the guy to pay like, "I put it on your tab because you are a man and that's what you should do" while I shrugged a couple of innocent shoulders. My friend doubted me and was under the impression that any girl can and will get a drink bought for her and so I demonstrated my typical bar experience. The first bar we went to, the bartender came right up to me and asked me what I wanted. Should I have said, "Nothing yet, I'm waiting for someone to buy me a drink" and then stare at all the poor strangers expectantly? Walk up to folks and tell them how thirsty I am? (I wanted to do that so bad) The next bar was jam packed with people who were equally not interested in buying me anything. I have watched Sex and the City and those girls NEVER buy a drink. NEVER. Guys are constantly buying them drink after expensive drink. What is the problem?! Do people buy YOU drinks, darling reader? Anyhoo, obviously if someone is going to buy you a drink it will not be because you are LOOKING for them to. That is not how it works and it is actually very bizarre behavior, which tends to be the kind of behavior I gravitate toward. And then something dawned on me which is that I have been aggressively trying to date someone and fall in True Love. Like hard core. I can't help it, I am one of those poor people who are desperately and completely and totally in love with love. How is everyone NOT that way? I want love more than I want a pup and that is really saying something! I am legitimately getting old now and my asshole birthday is looming closeby in the shadows ready to pounce very soon so I've just been so crazy lately I think. Like dating web sites and hitting on everyone and shoving myself in everyone's face and then when/if they DO ask me out I have a nervous breakdown and say nonononoonono. So, basically behaving like a deranged lunatic. Why am I doing that? I need to stop doing that! I'm going through some things and some stuffs is why. I don't cry every day all day long any more but I do...sometimes...cry. And sometimes things remind me of him and it is painful. STILL. As much as I would like to, I can't rush Time The Great Healer. But I do know that I am getting better and that cheers me along. So this is my vow, dear diary. I'm going to calm the hell down and pump the breaks and delete dumb dating accounts and stop pestering people so much and just relax and when I am ready, if someone wants to I will let them buy me a drink.

The Betrayal at Camp Webb

Here's the thing about me-  I get really excited about dumb things.  I get freaking PUMPED and this is a problem because the majority of events in my life turn out to be crippling disappointments.  So when my older brother and sister went to Camp Webb and came back with stories (Fishing! Shooting guns! Archery! Swimming! Rowing! New friends!!!!), I couldn't wait to turn the appropriate age so I could go too.  And wait I did.  I waited 3 long years and and during that time I tried to talk my 2 good pals into going too.  One was just absolutely not going to budge about going and the other was like sure.  I would also spend my downtime at home with markers and big poster boards drawing different Camp Webb scenarios of Fun like me with a giant smile petting a baby deer, me with all my new best friends swimming in a lake, me in a rowboat with a big sunshine in the sky with my pal who agreed to go with the letters "BFF" written across the top of the page, etc.
Here's what happened in a nutshell- by the time I arrived to the bus that takes us to camp, my friend had made a new friend and cruelly rejected me as her pal at all.  Like this, "I don't want to be your friend anymore and this is my new best friend" and then they both put a couple of noses in the air and stomped off to sit together on the bus.  And you know what I did?  I cried.  I cried actually the entire time I was there.  And you know the best way to repel a bunch of little girls from being your friend or talking to you at all?  By crying.  So I was all alone and isolated the entire time and even though I've been fishing, shooting, swimming, and boating as long as I can remember I didn't win a single badge.  Wait a second, I did win archery but that's only because I was picturing my old pal's face as the bull's eye. 
So the moral of this story is don't ever ever ever ever go to camp, kids!
And, also, always make sure your friends aren't stupid.

Baby Skates (have tissues ready)

When I was a little girl I got this doll, Baby Skates.
Aptly, I named her Baby Skates.
She was amazing and I loved her with all my heart.  I would hold her up in the air and spin around and sing the Baby Skates jingle from the commercial. She fell down more than she was able to successfully skate. But, as her adoptive mother, I spent hours patiently helping her practice in hopes to one day get it right.  My brother would laugh at it because...well, because a skating baby is kind of funny I guess.  But that enraged me and only caused my bond with Baby Skates to grow even tighter. 
One day after an especially tedious skating/falling down session I thought, "Gosh my poor darling Baby Skates worked so hard today.  She could probably really use a glass of water."

So I poured a glass of water on her face.

And killed her.

That's right, the water went into her inside parts and she broke and then she was thrown away.

R.I.P. Baby Skates
circa 1983
Gone but not forgotten.

Pops

When I think about my dad I get a big smile on my face.  He is a good person and really, really funny.  He is a good ol' boy with country roots.  He is a Covington Cowboy.  He likes to hunt and fish and when I was little and had a pet rabbit he would joke about making rabbit stew because rabbits are for hunting, not cuddling.  Come to think of it, that rabbit did disappear.
He is friendly to everyone and if we go somewhere like Auto Zone or something we will have left making friends with a couple strangers.  You know the type- just a cool person.
When I was in 3rd grade I made up a knock knock joke and sent it to the paper for their weekly make up a joke contest and he still thinks it was comedic genius.  Even though the newspaper didn't :(

Here it is, I'll publish it now:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Francis
Francis who?
Francis a long way from here.

Lolz????

Happy Father's Day Pops!  Love you!

Don't Call it a Comeback

This morning I woke up HAPPY for the first time since you-know-what.  I didn't think that would be the case since I gave back the dog I was watching/in love with (okay, obsessed with) the day before.  Also, I had the recurring nightmare I keep having of this huge anaconda-sized snake that keeps trying to get me and is super slimey and slithery and can slither in anywhere and get me.  But, no, I sprung out of bed feeling absolutely tops.  Today was my mom's birthday and I made her this cake with toffee and choc shavings on top:

I feel like I haven't really cooked or baked in a while since clean living so I was excited to make that.  It was only kind of "clean".  I feel like baking/cooking is an expression of love and I'm always pumped to make stuff and then stare at everyone with bug-eyes like "Wee-e-e-e-e-e-l-l-l-l-ll??".
My family is da bomb and they make me laugh & it was a day I desperately needed.  I mean, does your family sing "Happy Birthday" and then break into Buster Poindexter's "Hot, Hot, Hot"? 

At dinner I was complaining about how I couldn't afford this dumb expensive doctor I have to go to and my little niece, Molly, was standing next to me and disappeared up to her room and came back down and handed me 3 quarters and 2 pennies that she'd gotten out of her piggie bank.  I tried to give it back, but, she assured me she had tons more like them and hugged me.  And then- boom- I was crying because I felt like I just got smacked in the face with Sweetness (& also I'm a sensitive, on-the-verge-of-tears-at-all-times freak..but still).
Here is me and the beautiful Birthday Girl:

I love you Mama! 

Bitter...Party of 1

The conversation I just overheard was two men talking about the movie Magic Mike.  One guy told the other, “I don’t know man.  If there was nothing else on, I’d probably watch it again.”

That made me giggle.

I’m absolutely into overhearing this conversation.  Now they are saying Cabin in the Woods is really a good movie.  And so is Lawless.

Back when I used to want to get married, I would talk to this guy about when he was going to propose to his girlfriend, who he has a baby with, and he is always like – Meh.  And “No time soon!” and laugh while I gazed at him in distaste.  Then he asked how much he’s supposed to spend on a ring and I said well the “rule” is 3 month’s salary, but, I’d take a twist tie.  Just get her what you feel like you can afford. He said, “3 month’s salary?!!!”

He called over another guy (a mature looking professional man)and asked if he knew how much you are supposed to spend and when I told him he said, “No!  That’s A LOT.  Well maybe it depends on how much you make.”

“No it doesn’t.”  I said through clenched teeth.  I seriously personally do not care about a ring price at all but these guys were really making me feel like something was wrong here.

I just feel like the majority of men aren’t men anymore.  I feel like they are all like that Taco Bell guy. 

Just absolute numbskulls.

There’s some kind of stigma now that falling in love and getting married and starting a family is not the macho cool manly thing to do.  My mom said it was that way because of society and things like tv shows (i.e.  Married with Children).   I thought yeah maybe and then I asked a couple of reformed liar/cheaters why they used to behave that way and they said, “Society.  And I like rap music”.  And these people were being serious and my jaw dropped.

Marriage is a vow to stick together through anything and everything.  You are saying without a doubt in your mind I am the person who will always be there for you.  When things get bad you don’t walk away because you made this promise.  There is something to be said about being a part of a team like this.  Whether it’s being part of your ol’ football team or a family team or just a husband/wife team.  If you are part of a “team” (a marriage) you feel more committed, more valued, more stable.  There is also something to be said about being able to track your ancestry (which I take a lot of pride in my Irish and German roots)and family tree.

Like the institution of marriage isn’t honored anymore and that’s sad because I’ve seen many good marriages (my friends, my parents, my grandparents, my cousins,  my friend’s parents, etc) and they are incredible and it deserves respect.