Online Dating = LOLZ

A few things first & foremost- 1.) I've missed you darling, gorgeous, & handsome readers. When I run into someone and they tell me they read this or say I'm a good writer or ask about an update or whatever it really makes me happy. Like so happy! 1 & 1/2.) I'm going to tell you about this date I went on and then I swear I'll stop talking about my dating life on the world wide web and fb and stuff. After this. Because that's rude if the fellows have actual potential. And I know for a fact I have some dates with respectable guys coming up. But mum's the word on that so never you mind! 2.) TRex-er ran into my ex yesterday and he was with the girl that he always cheated on me with (or..does he cheat on her with me and I just didn't know? or was it a double relationship at the same time.....? or lolzozlzololz, we will never know- I'm just glad I'm out of it!). At first, I was like whoa & wowie zowie getting that confirmation of their relationship and then common sense almost instantly prevailed and I just felt relief that my hands are permanently washed of that situation and I wish them the best or whatever I guess. Good luck you two crazy kids! 3.) No more online dating. I'm going to stop online dating and only date guys I have reliable positive intel on. haha- intel. Okay, so Ima tell you everything. Sit down, make yourself a nice glass of tea. If you are in a loving and committed relationship, run and go find that person and give them a hug and a kiss and make them a nice dinner or something as appreciation for not having to deal with what I'm about to recount to you. So, I met this guy online and he seemed like the first normal person on there. He likes zip-lining! He's a "Golf Pro"! He's never been married and has no kids and talked normal when he messaged me. Why NOT let him buy me a drink I says to myself? "What's it gonna hurt!" I think. "Dating is fun!" I think. "I'm ready!" I think. Driving to the bar, I ask him to send me a selfie so I will recognize him quickly when I see him. So he does and I KNOW HIM. He used to be into me hard core when I was like 18-ish and I wasn't having it. So I call one of my bff's as I'm parking and we reason together that YOLO and it was a long time ago and I am certainly not the same person I was 16 years ago and a drink or 2 won't hurt. Well, it hurt! It did hurt! He did not look like his pics. He tells me I "used to be fatter, but of course I know that, right?" At some point I ask why his last relationship ended and he tells me it was because her teeth were jacked, she was bad in bed, and she had 2 cats. He lived with her for a year. So I'm getting to know him and he is terrible and it keeps getting worse. He kept calling the bartender Jeeves (like a butler reference)and was rude to them. He's racist. He said he went to a party at my apartment when we were teens back in the day & had to leave because it got "too dark in there" and I was like "huh?" and he said it was like 50-60% African American people and that made him uncomfortable. He kept trying to touch my upper leg and when I batted him away he would creepily tell me to "Relax". Oh God. I can still see his creepy face telling me to relax. He called me his girlfriend to the bartender. And when I looked at him like he was a nut bag he said, "I mean my girl" and gave me a big creepy smile and "my girl" is not any better! I excused myself and went to the bathroom to think. So I come back and said it's time for me to go and he fights me on that because it's only been 15-20 minutes but I fight back and prevail. The check sits in front of us and since it wasn't going to pay itself, I offered to pay to be polite and he was like OKAY. I shouldn't have done that because I'm like $40 shy of being able to pay all my bills this pay period, but, I did. Whatever. When we are outside the place he physically tried to pick me up. And I awkwardly shooed him off and he kept trying anyway. Like 3 times this person tries to lift me into the air. Why? Why God why? I pretty much run away and immediately receive a text about how much he enjoyed our time together "babe". 2 minutes later, another text says, "No response? UNACCEPTABLE". Then another, "Are you trying to get fired?" I just ignored the messages because that seemed the best route to go with this person and haven't heard anything since so that is that. Now go hug your loved ones and get them flowers and a nice back massage and really appreciate them will ya.

Pump the Breaks

Yesterday afternoon my pal and I went to Findlay Market and the World's Longest Yard Sale and then we bar-hopped in the village for a little bit. It was FUN! The day was picture-perfect and I was so happy to be out and about and not at work. The only thing missing was a pup. I need a pup. I did find a pup later, but, it belonged to a bum and he absolutely refused to hand him over. When we were driving from Over the Rhine to Covington I balanced my checkbook which prompted me to become dismayed and then, almost immediately, the Problem Solver inside of me took over and I came up with a very intelligent idea. I shouted, "I know!! I'm a girl so maybe a guy will buy me a drink!" Question: Do guys still do that? Because no one has ever bought me a drink that I can recall. Like even when I've gone on datey things a long time ago, my cousin bartender would force the guy to pay like, "I put it on your tab because you are a man and that's what you should do" while I shrugged a couple of innocent shoulders. My friend doubted me and was under the impression that any girl can and will get a drink bought for her and so I demonstrated my typical bar experience. The first bar we went to, the bartender came right up to me and asked me what I wanted. Should I have said, "Nothing yet, I'm waiting for someone to buy me a drink" and then stare at all the poor strangers expectantly? Walk up to folks and tell them how thirsty I am? (I wanted to do that so bad) The next bar was jam packed with people who were equally not interested in buying me anything. I have watched Sex and the City and those girls NEVER buy a drink. NEVER. Guys are constantly buying them drink after expensive drink. What is the problem?! Do people buy YOU drinks, darling reader? Anyhoo, obviously if someone is going to buy you a drink it will not be because you are LOOKING for them to. That is not how it works and it is actually very bizarre behavior, which tends to be the kind of behavior I gravitate toward. And then something dawned on me which is that I have been aggressively trying to date someone and fall in True Love. Like hard core. I can't help it, I am one of those poor people who are desperately and completely and totally in love with love. How is everyone NOT that way? I want love more than I want a pup and that is really saying something! I am legitimately getting old now and my asshole birthday is looming closeby in the shadows ready to pounce very soon so I've just been so crazy lately I think. Like dating web sites and hitting on everyone and shoving myself in everyone's face and then when/if they DO ask me out I have a nervous breakdown and say nonononoonono. So, basically behaving like a deranged lunatic. Why am I doing that? I need to stop doing that! I'm going through some things and some stuffs is why. I don't cry every day all day long any more but I do...sometimes...cry. And sometimes things remind me of him and it is painful. STILL. As much as I would like to, I can't rush Time The Great Healer. But I do know that I am getting better and that cheers me along. So this is my vow, dear diary. I'm going to calm the hell down and pump the breaks and delete dumb dating accounts and stop pestering people so much and just relax and when I am ready, if someone wants to I will let them buy me a drink.