Saturday, February 23, 2013

Gym Class Hero

Yesterday I went to the FISH FRY with my brother, his wife, and his daughters.  It was at the church where I went to grade school.  I LOVED the Fish Fry and you can bet your ass I'll be back next week!  Speaking of betting your ass, I forgot all the cool things about Catholism like- all the gambling, ice cold beers, (I'm going to stop right now and tell you my mom is going to HATE this post.  Sound off in the comments, mum!), and people who are especially really sweet and nice because of how they love God so much and stuff (but hate gay people?!).
I guess my brother goes to this church all the time and doesn't get childhood memory flashbacks.  But I haven't been there in a million years and when I entered the gym, I was flooded with memories of gym class.  ugh.
I hate freakin frackin sports! I absolutely love, and have always loved, working out.  When I was little we had this record, Mousercise.  Sometime in the 80's, I bought a Cindy Crawford workout video with her awesome trainer, Radu, and did that all the time.  OMG, they're still selling it!  & it has 5 stars.  I need this again.  I miss you, Radu!  Here it is: Shape Your Body
In gym class, I could kick anyone's ass at sit ups.  Guess how many arm circles I could do?  Probably a million.  So, fitness rules! is the point I'm trying to make here.
HOWEVER, in gym class they insist you play sports.  And all your peers freakin love that shit. 
For some reason I couldn't/can't/won't grasp the rules, which are INSANE, or why people even play sports.  Like I need to run where? when?  why?  Why am I "out"? SCREW THIS!, etc
To me, it's awful and terrifying and pretty much always there is an object being hurled at you very fast.  I got hit in the face a lot.  I don't know if my reaction time is slow, or I had a hard time paying attention since I thought everything was so boring and pointless and dumb, or if I needed glasses or what.  All I know is a male is hitting a ball with a bat as hard as they can and I am supposed to catch it?  Ha!  I will not.  I will gallop off in the opposite direction like any sensible person should.
When we played around the neighborhood my position was always "ghost on first" and I still don't really know what that means & I sat out the rest of the time. I was always picked last in gym class -and no judgement there on my classmates because I get it.  You do not want me on your team.  I will space out and climb a tree if there is one nearby.  Or, more likely, space out and get hit in the face with a ball and your team will lose and for some reason that is something you feel passionate about not happening.  Wouldn't want to lose the game.  That would be awful and terrible and so upsetting.  YAWN.
My gym teacher hated my guts and I seriously wanted to fist fight her.  She was always threatening me that I wouldn't go on to the next grade if I didn't pass gym and I was always like, "Shut up you psycho". 
One time we were doing the President's Challenge stupid thing and we had to race back and forth between 2 erasers and I did & put my all into it because I wanted a terrific ranking and after I was finished, she made me sit in the corner for being bad.  Like, she thought I was joking.  But I wasn't!  I will still only treadmill in my home because I don't know what the hell that was all about. 
Oh, and one time, Kevin Kyde (that's right, I'm putting him on blast) took his hockey stick and shoved it in my eye when we were fighting over a puck.  It was a rare occasion where I was acting  like I actually gave an F-word and I wanted the damn puck and he shoved his stick in my eyeball and I still have the mark on the white part of my eye and SPORTS ARE INSANE!
I'm really sorry about all the italics, bold, all caps, length, cuss words etc but this is something I apparently feel pretty strongly about.
Felt good to get all that out.
Have a great weekend! xoxoxo

1 comment:

  1. I love you, Julie, and hope some day you find something good about Catholicism. Catholics don't hate gay people. I think I went to a better Catholic School than you did. For this I am sad. I wish my kids had had a better experience with it. The Church made me who I am. I feel somewhat rejected since I define myself by my religion. Thought I was doing the best for you. Love you. Mom. I can't stand sports either.