I Said No

After my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I would have nightmares. There was a giant black disgusting slimy anaconda that slithered after me and no matter where I hid (I'd climb into air ducts and things to hide), it would find me and attack. I'd wake up sweating and crying and afraid. This was the illustration my subconscious came up with concerning my "off again/on again" relationship that lasted 10+ years. There aren't words to explain the pain I went through, so I'm not going to bother. You've maybe felt it before. There are lots of songs and books and movies written about this type of pain. Aside from the hurt, the colossal tragedy is how my self worth was affected...It was not good. It was not pretty! I wasn't even ME anymore. Not a hundred percent. Let's cut to the chase, I'll tell you what happened. SUNDAY - I was badgering this guy I had the hots for, saying things like "WTF Do you like me and want to romance me or not!??", like the demure and sophisticated lady that I am. I liked him and I couldn't really tell if the feeling was mutual and I felt like let's get this party started and his hesitation and indecision- well, ain't nobody got time for that! His answer was no. That hurt and because I didn't feel that great about myself, it probably hurt more than it should have. I cried. I hated myself more. MONDAY - I come home from a day at work, feeling really shitty about myself and pulled into my driveway as my ex boyfriend is pulling up too. I hadn't seen or heard from him since we broke up near the end of May last year. My first thought was, "NO. No, no, no, no". And then I thought yes, of course, obviously this was going to happen. It's happened so many times before that I was expecting it and had already prepared mentally how to deal with it when it happened. He asked if we could talk and I said okay. I had a bit of trouble unlocking the door to my house because my hands were shaking so much. The things that happened next are blurry because I was in shock. He apologized for what happened in the past. I made the decision to forgive him and instantly felt a good peaceful feeling about that because it was closure. He asked me how my life had been and that opened a flood gate because it's been quite a year and I said, "horrible" and started crying. When I looked up from crying he had an engagement ring. Now, listen, this is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life. I thought things like "Oh he MEANS it this this time! This time's for real!". I couldn't say yes and he told me to think about it as long as I needed. He said we could get married tomorrow or be engaged 5 years, whatever I wanted. My happy ending?! Tuesday I spent the entire day crying and being confused and being in shock. I was comforted by my friends and family. Pretty much everyone told me they would love and support me no matter what I decided and that only I could decide this. I thought to myself how incredible the people I choose to keep around me are. They always build me up. They always love me. They always make me happy. Over the years, in good times or in bad, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health- I can depend on these people. It became clear to me that this is what I deserve from the man I marry as well. They say love is unconditional, but, not if it's at the expense of my self worth. I drew a line in the sand! That's my one condition (one-conditional love?). Making the right decision made me feel confident and strong. I'm starting to love myself again. This revival of my lost self-love feels to me like I'm getting my happy ending after all.

SheMan Male Haters Club

Every time something is floatin' around in my head I like to write about it. So, here we go. I was thinking about how when I was in my twenties, I never wanted to settle down with someone and I thought I never would. I think that's so weird compared to where I am at now. The reason why I was like that, I think, is because every time I was in a relationship, it ended pretty badly and in a blind-sided kind of way. Love used to be a pure, simple, happy thing and then it wasn't anymore. I was tired of relationships and the bad outweighed the good in my opinion. I decided to be a free spirit and at the same time formulated a damaging theory in my mind. This theory was that all men were cheaters. That love wasn't a real thing anymore. So, I spent a decade or so steering away from relationships like it was the damn plague and treating the men that came into my life like the scumbags I assumed they all were. When you treat someone like a scumbag, a lot of times that is how they will behave. In time, maybe that is how they will come to believe they are. I don't want to be a SheMan Male Hater. I want to treat all people with kindness, love, encouragement, and respect. Something changed in me and I think that's a good thing. I matured! Finally! I try to treat people delicately. Do I think all men are out to get me and destroy my life? Neh. I think you get out of relationships (all relationships- family, friends, etc) what you put into it. If you put in love and patience, that's what you get back. If you don't get that back, well then.. it's time to move along, lil' doggie. I guess to some extent if you expect a relationship to fail, it will. But there are also warning signs that I used to downplay and instead only focus on the good. (Example: Sometimes he doesn't respond to texts.. but he fixed the plumbing! That means he MUST love me. Bull-fucking-shit. If he's not answering texts, something is wrong that shouldn't be ignored. Period.) It took me awhile, but, I learned how to spot things I don't want- communicate to the person what I don't want- and if it doesn't change move the hell on and not look back. I've learned not to put up with nonsense that I shouldn't put up with. When your gut tells you something is wrong, you should always listen to it. Your gut knows. These days my gut screams at me "NO! WRONG! BAD! RUN FOR THE HILLS!". It all seems kind of simple now. Does that mean I'll continue to be alone for a long time? Probs. That doesn't bother me though because I'm looking for a quality human being who is right for me. Someone to make me believe that the good can outweigh the bad and I will always believe that it can.