Mother's Day

yeah Mother's Day!  Tomorrow the fam is going to Granny Max's nursing home and eating some KFC on the patio there.  I'm excited to see everyone and be off work and stuffs.
She's a smart cookie, that mother of mine. She is strong willed.  She is excellent with her words and speaks with intelligence.  She took psychology in college and I think has a good grasp on summarizing why people think and do the things they do.  She can interpret for you a dream you have in such a way your jaw with drop to the ground with a thud.
I was lucky to grow up with a female role model in my life that was very much about having self respect.
She was also big on us kids treating others with respect.
I've seen the question posed on Facebook and interviews the past couple of days, "What is the best piece of advice your mother has given you?"
Gosh, I have lots.
Here are my two favorite relationship advice:

1.) You don't really know a person until you've spent all 4 seasons with them.
That is so true! You don't.  I, myself, am a completely different human being in the season known as winter.  In fact, I turn from human being into a hibernating angry bear during these dreaded months.  It also helps to keep this advice in mind because there is a honeymoon phase in relationships and when that wears away, are you still enamored with the person you have come to know? 

2.)  Who do you love more, yourself or him?
People might tell you that True Love means taking a bullet for someone and things like that and I do feel altruistic toward my loved ones. What this means, though, is that the bottom line is- if the relationship is making you unhappy, it's time to go.  Sad but true. 

See what I mean?  Smart mama.
Have a happy Mother's Day y'all!

F Word

I've got the blues.  Or maybe the Mean Reds as Holly Golightly might say.  I remember when I was around 25-ish and all of my friends would get that "quarter life crisis" thing.  Like ahhhh what is my life and what do I want to do with it and blah blah. Everyone figured it out.
I feel sort of like that now.  Like I look around at my life and I'm depressed and angry and I want so much more.  It feels like I'm drowning and trying so hard every day to get my face above the water. But I never get anywhere and I'm tired of trying.
I hate that  have to work 2 jobs. I hate that I'm alone.  I hate that there's never any time.  I hate that there are so many people in my life that I care about and I don't have enough time to see anyone with all the other shit I have to do.  What I'm doing doesn't feel like living.  It's struggling for air.
I can't do it, keep doing it, alone.  And no one will hold my hand.

Dr. Oz 3 Day Detox Cleanse RESULTS

So, I did the Dr. Oz 3 Day Detox Cleanse (details on Dr's Oz's website here) & the bottom line is I LOVED it.  Life changing.  The top benefit I noticed was how much energy I had afterward.  I just felt good.  This is coming from a gal who is sick very much of the time.  I don't know if I lost weight or the exact poundage because I didn't really care about that (but I think I did because my body was bangin').  The 3 day cleanse led to a domino effect of enlightenments for me.  I don't know if it will make everyone feel as completely different as I do.  Everyone's body is different and I have a laundry list of issues with my body because of PCOS/diabetes. 
Noticing how my body reacted to what I was putting into it made me want to continue putting good, nutrient-dense things into it.  I've been pretty much "eating clean" ever since and have noticed different symptoms of PCOS becoming less problematic.  I started dedicating a lot of my time to researching hormones and holistics cures.  As anyone that deals with this syndrome knows, the doctor will just shrug a couple of shoulders and basically tell you to deal with it.  It makes you feel hopeless.

Anyway, I found out that plastics have chemicals in them that disrupt your hormones, even if the plastic is BPA free.  I found out that eating preservatives makes you feel tired, brings down your immune system, and causes damage to cells in your body that can lead to cancer or other conditions.  I found out that all meat is injected with cell-disrupting hormones unless specifically noted on the package that it was not.  It makes sense to me that all the issues I have that are the result of a hormone imbalance could possibly/probably be effected by these things.  Is it coincidence that PCOS was not even around until recently and recently is when our plastics and meats became poisoned?  It's something to think about.  I've been trying to cut out plastic, sugar, preservatives, and any meat that is not organic.
I've started to take natural supplements/foods that have been highly recommended on PCOS forums (Spearmint Tea, Vitex, Saw Palmetto, Inositol, Black Cohosh, pumpkin seeds, red cabbish, Flax Seed, etc).
I'm really hopeful that maybe I can get my body functioning properly, but, we will have to wait and see.
p.s. I know this post isn't funny sowwee bout that.

This is- This is- This is a M-a-a-aan's World

Click here damn it.

Why is James Brown so awesome?  And so sweaty?  I'm worried about him.  Is he always this sweaty?  I know performers sweat but that is really somethin'. Was this the first song of his concert and did he start out sweating like that?  It looks like he mopped himself in butter.

So, a long time ago, I stomped into my mother's kitchen and told her I wished the world was like it was in the 50's and the fact that it is not is what is wrong with America today.  I just want to say, before anyone starts whining about women's rights, that #1 shut up and #2 I'm glad women have rights but the way it's been instituted is 100% wrong.  To clarify, it's good that women can vote & work if they want to.  I'm all for that.  The reason I wish the world was like it was in the 50's is because once both parents were forced out of the home and into the workforce a few things happened that I am furious about.

1.) Children are being thrown into the system- day cares.  I don't believe a day care, no matter how credible, can hold a candle to the one-on-one love and attention of a mother (or father, the point here is one parent).  If one parent is rearing the child, they can gradually but firmly establish values.  Teaching a child integrity is SO IMPORTANT.  Otherwise, you have these moron idiot humans walking around everywhere.  Today, you can't walk outside and throw a rock without hitting a moron idiot human.  They are everywhere! Not that you should be throwing rocks at humans, obviously (my mother taught me that). 
The other option is to have someone in your family watch your child while you go to work because you have to go to work because the world we live in today it is not possible to survive on a single income (thanks Women's Movement!). Your mother was already a mother.  She doesn't want to do it again full time and it isn't fair to ask her to.  I sometimes have day dreams of how I would raise a babe.  There would be a lot of rocking and singing and story telling and playing and crafts and I know you can do all of this if you work but, for me, I would prefer to do it full time. And that is a pipe dream.  Also, I'm barren. So.

2.) No one has time to cook healthy, nutritious meals anymore.  There's no sit down breakfast (the most important meal of the day dammit!).  There's no time to pack lunch, no time to make a wonderful sit down family dinner and talk about the day.  I take care of only myself and I don't have time for all that.  But if I didn't have a 9-5, I would be cooking and cleaning every day.  We all just eat fast food or other garbage crap and the majority of us are not living up to our optimum health and well-being and that is SAD.  I know there are exceptions and terrific for you if you are one of them.  I'm talking about the majority.

The mother has been taking care of the offspring since the cavemen days.  That is why the woman's peripheral vision is wider than the man's.  Women had to be on the look out for danger in their cave abode and protect the offspring.  Men have better distance vision because they have hunted for food since the beginning of time.  Someone's been home with the offspring full time since cave man days and now we're trying something different and I'm not happy with it.

I know what I'm saying is controversial and I know I don't have children so how can I speak on it.  I speak on it because I'm mad as an old wet hen that this is what the world is now. 

Let Me Tell You Bout My Best Friend

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!
Sup.
Thanks for stopping by.  As soon as I post sumping (FYI: each Saturday) I always look at the views and they shoot up to like 60 new views within seconds of posting.  Isn't that cool?  I mean I know real blogs get thousands but, whatever, it makes me smilesy.
When I first got to my lapper this morning and started typing, it was awful because I hadn't had coffee yet and I was pissed off.  I considered writing about how my f-ing face looks exactly like one of those monster bad guys from The Hobbit.  Like the producer asked me to sit down and sit still for hours and they modeled the Goblin King (click here) after me or maybe took an exact plaster of my face or something. The underneath of his eyes were exactly what I looked at on my own face this morning in the reflection in the bathroom mirror.  Ew- Goblin King!   I thought and hastily packed on some bright pink lipstick.  Now I look like the Goblin King wearing bright pink lipstick.
But, I digress.  I'm here to talk about besties.  I just love some of my friends so much I want to pinch them and I include my sweet boyfran as one; a very special one.  I'm actually a really lucky Goblin King, come to think of it.  I can't wait for the warm weather so we can all go out and play.
Well, let me tell ya about Stevey V.  I met him....I dunno..I'm really bad at numbers (# Amnesia.  I swear it's A Thing and I have it) but it was years ago and we were basically instant best friends.  Ever met someone like that and isn't it cool?  I remember his eyes got big because I am a lot to take when I'm in full YAY PARTY mode.  But, Steve loves YAY PARTY modes.  Give him a few glasses of libation and watch him go.  You will cry your eyeballs out laughing.
We have the same sense of humor and we bounce off each other well.  Like I know I pick up funnies from him and re use them even if it's just an attitude.  Like how he has convinced me that everyone that lives in Latonia has neck tattoos.  Steve can be a butthole.  Like he says stuff where if you didn't know he was just joking you are like he is so mean!  He's just kiddin' guys and sometimes being mean to your bestie is totally fun.  It's a guy thing.  I grew up with Brother Bestie and stuff so I get it and I do it too.

** Eeeeep....A man just walked into the office with a neck tattoo!  **

Steve is very clever too.  Weirdly, he knows the answer to any question you might have no matter how obscure.  For example, you could ask him something like- What is the Axolotl's average life span?  Huh Steve? and he will know the answer to that.
Is Steve a robot?  I don't know.  It doesn't matter.
His heart is made of pure gold.  What I mean by that is, if needed, he will do anything for you.  I haven't met many people in my life who are so completely pure-intentioned.  He just wants everyone to be happy.  He wants to laugh and have fun and make you laugh.  If you become friends with him he is fiercely loyal.  He is altruistic and I aspire to be Steve-like in this respect. 

I want the best for Steve.  I want great things to happen to him and I know that they will.

Mushy-wushy! 

p.s. Steve, if you read this could you bring me some chicken salad to work thanks

What I've Learned About Relationships

Maybe like 13 or so years ago I was in line for the seafood buffet at Hollywood Casino or Belltera or somewhere (I forget which casino -it was many years ago) and my friend Sierra, who was actually only a vague acquaintance at the time I think, told me she wanted to write a book with me about dating.  She said she knew I was a very good writer and that I knew everything there was to know about guys.  I remember this very clearly because I argued with her about it in the long line and in a way it was one of my favorite and most treasured compliments as far as the writing aspect of her comment.  "How do you know I'm a good writer!?  I don't know shiz about guys!" I argued.
She said she knew I was a good writer because of the way I talk (isn't that a nice/strange compliment?) and I knew about guys because there was always a fellow that was sort of "into me" or whatever.
Sierra breezily says things sometimes that make you stop and think.
You know I kind of wish I would have jumped on that book idea.  I've read blogs of her's since then and she's a beautiful writer.  But I maintain that I do not know shiz about guys.  I've learned a little though about relationships and I'd like to talk about it to you, dear diary.
I've dated a lot of people over the years and that is because I am an Old Wet Hen.  When I was younger there was a lot of innocence in my relationships.  I believed in True Love and Integrity and heavy drinking was not yet introduced into my lifestyle. It's endearing to look back at.
And then I had my heart broken.  Again & again & again & again.  The idea of True Love & Integrity completely disappeared from my life.  I'm not saying that was anyone else's fault or that I'm not responsible for my broken hearts; I'm just saying somewhere along the line innocence died, y'all. 
I used to work in a factory-ish place and I was the one and only girl that worked in the section I was in.  I used to come into work and talk to the guys about my different relationships (tip: don't talk to other people about your relationships.  Talk to the person you are in the relationship with.  duh.).  The guys would always be like "Meh, I don't think he's that into you" type of stuff but my favorite advice was when my co worker, Mike, who was previously a vacuum salesperson (sorry I just remembered that detail, like you care, Precious Diary) told me, "Look, here's the thing...  when you find the right person, it isn't going to be this hard."
Another bomb dropped on me.  A blown mind! 
I think it really is that simple.  When it's right, it won't be hard.  And guess what?  Then, after it's right and it's easy (think: not worrying about unfaithfulness, being yourself, enjoying another human being for being him or herself), you can bring back the innocence and the integrity.  And that is the best feeling in the world and a beautiful place to be and don't you dare settle for anything less.

Gym Class Hero

Yesterday I went to the FISH FRY with my brother, his wife, and his daughters.  It was at the church where I went to grade school.  I LOVED the Fish Fry and you can bet your ass I'll be back next week!  Speaking of betting your ass, I forgot all the cool things about Catholism like- all the gambling, ice cold beers, (I'm going to stop right now and tell you my mom is going to HATE this post.  Sound off in the comments, mum!), and people who are especially really sweet and nice because of how they love God so much and stuff (but hate gay people?!).
I guess my brother goes to this church all the time and doesn't get childhood memory flashbacks.  But I haven't been there in a million years and when I entered the gym, I was flooded with memories of gym class.  ugh.
I hate freakin frackin sports! I absolutely love, and have always loved, working out.  When I was little we had this record, Mousercise.  Sometime in the 80's, I bought a Cindy Crawford workout video with her awesome trainer, Radu, and did that all the time.  OMG, they're still selling it!  & it has 5 stars.  I need this again.  I miss you, Radu!  Here it is: Shape Your Body
In gym class, I could kick anyone's ass at sit ups.  Guess how many arm circles I could do?  Probably a million.  So, fitness rules! is the point I'm trying to make here.
HOWEVER, in gym class they insist you play sports.  And all your peers freakin love that shit. 
For some reason I couldn't/can't/won't grasp the rules, which are INSANE, or why people even play sports.  Like I need to run where? when?  why?  Why am I "out"? SCREW THIS!, etc
To me, it's awful and terrifying and pretty much always there is an object being hurled at you very fast.  I got hit in the face a lot.  I don't know if my reaction time is slow, or I had a hard time paying attention since I thought everything was so boring and pointless and dumb, or if I needed glasses or what.  All I know is a male is hitting a ball with a bat as hard as they can and I am supposed to catch it?  Ha!  I will not.  I will gallop off in the opposite direction like any sensible person should.
When we played around the neighborhood my position was always "ghost on first" and I still don't really know what that means & I sat out the rest of the time. I was always picked last in gym class -and no judgement there on my classmates because I get it.  You do not want me on your team.  I will space out and climb a tree if there is one nearby.  Or, more likely, space out and get hit in the face with a ball and your team will lose and for some reason that is something you feel passionate about not happening.  Wouldn't want to lose the game.  That would be awful and terrible and so upsetting.  YAWN.
My gym teacher hated my guts and I seriously wanted to fist fight her.  She was always threatening me that I wouldn't go on to the next grade if I didn't pass gym and I was always like, "Shut up you psycho". 
One time we were doing the President's Challenge stupid thing and we had to race back and forth between 2 erasers and I did & put my all into it because I wanted a terrific ranking and after I was finished, she made me sit in the corner for being bad.  Like, she thought I was joking.  But I wasn't!  I will still only treadmill in my home because I don't know what the hell that was all about. 
Oh, and one time, Kevin Kyde (that's right, I'm putting him on blast) took his hockey stick and shoved it in my eye when we were fighting over a puck.  It was a rare occasion where I was acting  like I actually gave an F-word and I wanted the damn puck and he shoved his stick in my eyeball and I still have the mark on the white part of my eye and SPORTS ARE INSANE!
I'm really sorry about all the italics, bold, all caps, length, cuss words etc but this is something I apparently feel pretty strongly about.
Felt good to get all that out.
Have a great weekend! xoxoxo